"Not Pregnant"

The words on the little plastic stick simply confirmed a continuation of the reality we’ve known for the past 3 years and 4 months. The state of "Not Pregnant" has been the only state we’ve ever experienced. We are all-too-familiar with this status; familiar, but again disappointed at a very deep, emotional level.

Fueling the disappointment this time was the increased expectation. Though we tried to mentally fight against the gleeful thoughts of a different, happier potential outcome, the quiet optimism proved too difficult to squelch completely.

The procedure had been simple; it seemed so hassle-free, so straight-forward. No red lights; no closed doors. Physically, everything seemed to be in order. Was this the light of God’s blessing shining down upon us? The doctor smiled at us as if conception was a foregone conclusion. But as we are still learning,

Pregnancy is never a foregone conclusion with God.

Deep inside us—in that very intimate place where one would expect life to begin—there is an emptiness that we can only fill with hope. What else fits that void but a kind of faith-filled expectation? In our painful times of waiting and wrestling, we find our watery eyes taking focus and seeing Someone Who knows our griefs because He Himself has experienced greater griefs than we can ever imagine. It’s only that vision through eyes of faith—granted by grace—that causes us to hope.

God has already written our story, and we have the privilege of reading it one day at a time. This current chapter of our lives contains more sadness than previous chapters, but we look forward to the unknown plot turns in the coming chapters. We anticipate the future because God is the Author, and the Author is Love.

While God has never promised us a biological child, He has already fulfilled in providing us His only child: our Savior, Jesus. And in remembering that fact we have already learned a most important truth:

Love for His children is always a foregone conclusion with God.

~David

Today...and Tomorrow

Today was a big day for us! 

But before I share about our exciting day, let me back up and provide some context…

Context

Between the two of us, Paige and I have seen at least five different doctors over the past 3 years, three of them specializing in fertility treatments. We have now paid out of our own pockets a few thousand dollars worth of medical expenses that were not covered by insurance. Some of that included the costs of simple consultations, while other expenses were incurred through more involved testing and medical procedures. Today, we are praying, that all of the time and expense we have invested may produce a return.

All of this effort over the past few years has been in order to obtain what we desire but lack: a biological child of our own. God has shown us in His Word how children are a blessing from His hand, and it has always been our heart's desire to experience that blessing of God firsthand—to be parents. It seems like such a simple desire; maybe even a silly desire to some who have been able to procreate with little knowledge or effort. But for us, parenthood has been something we have earnestly sought after—through prayers, tears, doctors visits, and financial transactions. But parenthood has thus far evaded us. 

In all of this, we have come to clearly perceive God’s will for us: 

Wait. 

Trust. 

Pray. 

Obey.

And these things we have aimed to do with joyful contentment in our silent suffering and full resignation upon the perfect timing of God and His providence. 

But today we have come closer to parenthood than ever before. Thus, today was a big day for us.

Today

When Dr. Johnson knocked and then stepped into the small room, he was smiling. This is one of the small but important differences between Dr. Johnson and the previous two fertility doctors we had seen: He had empathy. He seemed to genuinely feel our pain. And while he never promised to fix it, he was hopeful. God used him to give us new hope amid the fog of this tiresome affliction. He told us what we had already heard before—“There’s nothing wrong with either of you”—but he told us with a grin, not a frown. And today the data on our charts and the images on the ultrasound screen caused our doctor to walk into the room with a smile. And because of this, we smiled. 

The IUI procedure was relatively quick—and harmless, as Paige has assured me. I think we were there for less than an hour, and from what we could tell, God seemed to bless the experience. At least He gave us a peace about it; and an extra dose of faith-filled anticipation.  

    

Tomorrow

Granted—even with the wonderful experience that we had today; even with the smooth and problem-free procedure in the doctor’s office; even with the able-mindedness of the doctor and all of the bio-medical technology that goes into Artificial Insemination; even with the hopes of our family and the prayers of our church—we don’t know whether or not we will get pregnant through this. 

But God knows.

And because of our personal knowledge of a sovereign God Who knows all things because He has decreed all things and does all things perfectly and with love for His children, we hope and pray on.


~David