I'm Tired

I'm tired....
I'm tired of giving myself shots
I'm tired of progesterone suppositories
I'm tired of clomid and femara
I'm tired of internal ultrasounds
I'm tied of prenatal vitamins that seem to serve no purpose
I'm tired of prescriptions
I'm tired of following a "pregnancy" diet for half of every month only to find out I'm not pregnant
I'm tired of roller coaster emotions
I'm tired
I'm tired of no
I'm tired of paying for pointless medical bills
I'm tired of scheduled sex
I'm tired of counting cycle days
I'm tired of ovulation kits
I'm tired of pregnancy tests
I'm tired of painful periods
I'm tired of statistics
I'm tired of the unknown
I'm tired of the endless doctors visits
I'm tired
I'm tired of well intentioned advice
I'm tired of getting my hopes up
I'm tired of not getting my hopes up
I'm tired of smiling when I don't feel like it
I'm tired of not trusting in God
I'm tired of not being vulnerable
I'm tired of being vulnerable
I'm tired
I'm tired of wishing
I'm tired of hoping
I'm tired of waiting
I'm tired of God's silence...where is He?
I'm so tired

~Paige

Where You At?

We are frequently asked, "So where are you in your journey? Beginning, middle, end? What's the latest?"

So the long and short of it, we are somewhere in the middle. We are on our 5th IUI. We've had every test you can imagine and nothing can be found as to answer our question, "Why can't we get pregnant?" But God. We know His ways are perfect and for some reason He wants us to go through this trial, and to wait on Him.

We love our doctor and highly recommend him to others! He's personable, friendly, caring, thoughtful and the list goes on. 

So right now, we'll continue down this path until God shows us otherwise. 

May He be glorified through all of this!

~ Paige

Hello Lord...I Can't Hear You!

Not long ago, I discovered this song, "Hello Lord," by Sara Groves. It describes my thoughts and feelings perfectly. I want to ask God if He can speak up because I can’t hear Him! I want to know the next step, what to do, where to go from here. But God says to wait, as though He’s whispering. Sometimes I feel like I can’t hear Him and I wonder where He is. But God says wait. And I’m desperate to do the right thing and trust Him fully. But God says to wait. 

Listen to the song and enjoy! Here are the lyrics:

Hello Lord, it's me your child
I have a few things on my mind
Right now I'm faced with big decisions
And I'm wondering if you have a minute, cuz
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up


I know that you tore the veil 
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.

I don't doubt your sovereignty
I doubt my own ability to
Hear what you're saying
And to do the right thing 
And I desperately want to do the right thing
But right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil 
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.


And somewhere in the back of my mind
I think you are telling me to wait
And though patience has never been mine
Lord, I will wait to hear from you
Oh Lord, I'm waiting on you


Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up


I know that you tore the veil 
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I think you're whispering



~ Paige

Deep Cries Out

Psalm 42:7, “Deep calleth unto deep, at the noise of thy water spouts: all thy waves, and they billows are gone over me.”

Psalm 69:2, “I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing. I am come into DEEP waters, where the floods overflow me.”

Deep cries out to deep. Afflictions call out to further afflictions. Under our deepest sorrows lie even deeper sorrows. The Psalmist states that his troubles follow one after another, the latter harder than the first. His soul, downcast and in turmoil. His troubles seem to overtake him. 

Infertility is a painful journey and month after month it seems that deep calls out to deep. Sorrow calls out to deeper sorrow. It becomes a difficult routine. Cycle day 1: Call the doctor. Cycle day 3: Internal Ultrasound. Cycle days 3-7: Take daily medicine. Cycle day 6: Give yourself a shot to stimulate your ovaries. Cycle day 10: Another internal ultrasound. Cycle day 11: Give yourself another shot to stimulate ovulation. Cycle day 12: IUI procedure. It feels like you’re at the doctor’s office every day. The hormones make you crazy, from crying to irritability to depression. The roller coaster ride is on again and you wonder when you will be able to get off, unlock the seatbelt, release the harness, and step off the ride. You await the results anxiously for the 2 weeks before you are able to take the pregnancy test. You pray. You read the Word. You seek God’s face. You cry. You try not to think about. And then the day comes. The day to test. You dread it and look forward to it at the same time. The three minutes awaiting the results seem like an eternity. And once again, you read the results, NOT PREGNANT. You’ve seen it a million times, or at least it seems like it. You cry. You ask God why.  You wipe your tears. You move on. You get ready for the day. You go to work or church or the grocery store. And you start the cycle all over again. 

Deep cries out to deep. But alas, the deepest sorrow and the deepest trouble calls out to an even greater depth. Underneath the depths, even at the bottom of all depths. This depth is God’s mercy. John Bunyan says, 

“Although the deeps, or depths of calamity into which the godly may fall, may be as deep as Hell, and methinks they should be no deeper: yet this is the comfort, and for the comfort of them, of the godly that are thus a sinking: The mercy of God for them lies deeper…God’s arms are long and strong, and can reach to the bottom, and also beyond, of all misery and distress, that Christians are subject to in this life. Indeed, mercy seems to be asleep, when we are sinking, for then we are as if all things were careless of us, but it is but a lion couchant, it will awake in time for our help…as a lion in his den, so will God, at the fittest season, arise for the help and deliverance of a sinking people.”

Deep cries out to deep. But God’s mercy is even deeper. His arm reaches to the farthest depth, to meet us in our time of need. 

(Excerpts from John Bunyan’s book All Loves Excelling)

~ Paige

December Prayers from Dado

Psalm 4:1, “Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: you have given me relief when I was in distress; have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.”

Psalm 145:18, “The Lord is near to all them that call on him, to all that call on Him for truth.”

Colossians 4:2, “Continue steadfastly in prayer.”

December 2014. Dad typed up a barrage of prayers and sent them our way throughout month. We needed them! I read and re-read them. Sometimes I don’t know what to pray and I use a few of these prayers from dad. I have also found respite reading prayers from The Valley of Vision. Even when you don’t know what to pray, use the prayers of others and Scripture. Lay your requests before the Lord. 

Just a Few….

December 10

Good Morning Lord,

We thank you for your mercy that are new every morning. I pray the future will be with David today and his new endeavor with his new job, that you'll give him wisdom and direction may he do well because you are in his decisions every step of the way. Bewith Paige as she deals with the leaders that are under her give her wisdom in her daily task and may they both be pleasing to you as a witness and proclaim you Lord of all. Protect them today on the highways. May they find favor with You and with the people they deal with today. 

In Jesus name Amen.

December 12

Father, bless my daughter and son in law today and empower them for the duties and acts of which you have called them to do.Speak to them clearly and do not allow them to pick up burdens that are not theirs.  

I pray that You would make them a good receiver of your grace and blessings through others, and put people in their path who are called to bless them without expectations.  

Call their church to prayer on their behalf concerning having children.

Give them a clear vision for their lives, serving You and give them an easy yolk as they answer Your call to Your body.  

December 19

Father, I pray that you would make this a special Advent season for David & Paige. 

I pray that they would sense Your daily Advent into their lives and that You would find a welcome place in their hearts moment by moment. Abide with them and take them to a more intimate place with You this season.  

Give them time with You; in the midst of the busyness, call them aside and minister to your son and daughter.  Warm them with Your voice; Your words of mercy and love.  

Give them the joy of relating to their loved ones through your eyes and ears.  

Give the joy of Christmas to David and Paige, I pray, in the name of Jesus, Amen.

All of us are waiting on something, often wondering if God has forgotten us. 

In your waiting, let the birth of Christ encourage you. This very minute He’s working for His glory and for our good. 

Though circumstances say otherwise, God is going to come through, on schedule, fulfilling His long-appointed plans for us. 

Don’t give up before the time is right.

Take hope in the manger and know that you are loved and prized by the God who stepped down from heaven and arrived at the perfect time for you.

But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law.

"And because we are His children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, “Abba, Father.” (Galatians 4:4, 6 NLT)"

December 23

Father, 

As we endeavor to give expression to your Advent in our own hearts - which is waiting on You, we are aware of the enemy and his schemes to try and divide us, he tries to fill us with pride and tries to get us to act on temptation.

We ask you to give us discernment and wisdom in many of the decisions we need to make over the next few weeks and months.  We wait and anticipate Your Plans for our lives, and we pray You defeat Satan by Your Great Power.

Protect us, Lead us, guide us, as we await the Miracles You are waiting to bless us with. Work in us and our extended family, heal our wounds, heal our bodies, open wombs, heal hips, and help us to get into the real meaning of Christmas which is... Worship to You, not giving, not food, not fellowship, not family, true Christmas is worship to You.  All other aspects are great, but it's about worship.

Help us to resist playing hero or martyr, except when it comes to You.

Remove baggage that may be keeping us from worshiping You

In the midst of circumstances, may we STILL WORSHIP YOU...

We give ourselves as an offering to You, please forgive us of our trespasses, renew our minds and our spirits today, protect us in our travels, and receive our worship today as a sacrifice of praise.

For thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory - Forever

In Jesus Name, Amen, Amen, Amen 

Another Holiday Season

We enter another holiday season with EMPTY HANDS. It sounds dramatic. We think of kids dying of hunger, women being abused, war in other countries, families in dire situations that we cannot even begin to understand, and we think, “Our circumstances do not even compare to what they may be going through. Why do we feel as though we are suffering similarly month after month?” But for us, this is our reality, our hurt, and our suffering. It cannot be compared. It’s a trial God has chosen just for us.

December is a difficult month, this year especially. We’ve heard 42 loud and clear “no’s” for 42 months of trying, and we are welcoming our fourth holiday season with no news of a pregnancy. More doctor’s visits then we can count, thousands of dollars, 3 IUI’s, ultrasounds, procedures, treatments—the circumstances seem HOPELESS for the outcome we desire. As time moves on, the multitude of “no’s” seem to overwhelm the possibility of a “yes,” and HOPE fades.

Thankfully, no matter what the outcome our circumstances will bring, our story will never end in HOPELESSNESS.

For during this holiday season, we are also reminded of the only HOPE, Christ. We are reminded of one who was long expected, the consolation and only HOPE of Israel. Israel, miserable and oppressed, waited for the Old Testament prophecy of Christ’s birth to be fulfilled for hundreds of years. Israel believed He would come and they waited; they desired His coming; they hoped for His coming.

We wait for Christ. Not as Israel waited for Christ, a promise yet to come. We wait for Christ, the prophecy fulfilled. He is our only hope. He is our only rest. He is the only longing of our hearts. And this December we remember Christ, and our hands our FULL.

Come, Thou long expected Jesus


Born to set Thy people free;


From our fears and sins release us,


Let us find our rest in Thee.


Israel’s Strength and Consolation,


Hope of all the earth Thou art;


Dear Desire of every nation,


Joy of every longing heart.

Born Thy people to deliver,


Born a child and yet a King,


Born to reign in us forever,


Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.


By Thine own eternal Spirit


Rule in all our hearts alone;


By Thine all sufficient merit,


Raise us to Thy glorious throne.

~Paige

Graduation Delayed

"Okay, Lord, I'm ready to graduate now!"

...That's what I found myself thinking recently as we awaited the news of another round of fertility treatment.

Truly, we've been learning so many lessons over the past 3+ years as we've struggled with infertility. And at some point recently I kind of hoped that I've learned all the lessons God has wanted to teach me through this trial; as if I've absorbed all of God's instruction for me. Somehow I mistakenly figured that it ought to be about time to move on to something else; the next chapter in God's textbook, a different set of lessons altogether (...parenting perhaps?). I guess I’ve unintentionally imagined that this struggle of ours has been like four years of college, and now I’m done with my formal studies and ready to receive my diploma and celebrate graduation.

But life is not that simple.

God’s will for us is not so limited.

His classes may last a lifetime.

In analyzing my thoughts through this, I've begun to realize the depth of my own sinful arrogance and finite ignorance. I find myself once again pushing and pushing my will upon His, instead of intentionally surrendering my will to His. And this by itself is a lesson I must continually learn -- to follow the example of our Savior and submit myself to the will of God.

While we may never officially graduate from God's school of suffering, the good news here is that Paige and I couldn't ask for a better, more wise, more loving Teacher. Our Divine Instructor knows our sins and weaknesses, and He gives us everything we need for all of life -- physically and spiritually. Even the difficult lessons that seem unlearnable and the terrible adversities that seem unconquerable -- even they are intended for our good. 

  

I recently stumbled across these words of Hudson Taylor, and they sum up the matter perfectly:

"Ill that God blesses is our good

And unblest good is ill.

And all is right that seems most wrong

If it be his sweet will."

~David

Lessons Learned (and Learning...)

I've slowly been trying to put into very simple words the various lessons God has been teaching us through our journey in infertility. I think of it like this: If infertility were a school, these would be the class names and lesson titles in which we are studying and learning. The list I've been compiling is in no way exhaustive, but it begins to at least give an idea of the diversity of subjects upon which God has been lecturing and examining us. And as we work our way through our years at the school of infertility, we know that our Divine Headmaster surely has many more classes and lessons prepared for us...

God is Loving

God is Sovereign

The Silence of God

Waiting Upon the Lord

Dealing with Worry/Anxiety

Trusting the Lord

The Importance of Prayer

The Benefits of Prayer

The Importance of God's Word

The Encouragement from God's Word

Counseling Ourselves

Counseling One Another

Loving One Another

The Importance of the Local Church Family

The Importance of Corporate Prayer Meetings

God's Providence

The Encouragement from Answered Prayers

God Works Everything Out for Our Good and His Glory

Worship

The Benefits of Intimate Friendships

The Danger of Sin

God Disciplines Those He Loves

The Option of Adoption

Children Are a Blessing from the Lord

Be Grateful for What We Have

Contentment in Christ

Suffering

The Mystery of God's Will

Joy at All Times

God Uses Human Means

God Wants Us to Lean on Each Other

Beware of Idolatry

Bearing One Another's Burdens

Iron Sharpens Iron

Growing in Faith

Patience

Sadness

~David  

A Family of Two

"So when are you going to start a family?"

"What do you mean?...We already did; over 9 years ago, actually!"

It really is a harmless question, and not one to which we really take offense. But it's a question based on the false pretense that a family begins with children. But in fact, if we travel back to remember the first family unit, we should acknowledge that it existed before either Cain or Abel were born to Adam and Eve. God set Adam in the garden and He gave him a wife. Once God had created Eve, He had created the first family unit.

Society - even our religious society subset - has defined for us what the family is. A simple web search of "the definition of a family" pulls the following result: "a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household." But I would argue from Genesis that a family is, at its foundation, the marriage of a man and a woman. Of course a family can easily be defined as more than this; but it should never be defined as less than this.

It is the marriage relationship that creates a family. As the husband, I am the head of my household; my family. Were God never to grant to me and Paige children, I am still the head of my home and the spiritual leader of my family of two. Just as God held Adam responsible for the sins of his family - his wife and himself (as well as all of his descendants) - there will come a day when I too will be held accountable before God for how I led my family, even if that is just me and my wife.

Maybe it's semantics. I'm okay with admitting that. But words have meaning, and especially in the context of a couple struggling with infertility, the idea of a "family" begins - and sometimes even ends - with only two.

Food for thought.

~David

"Not Pregnant"

The words on the little plastic stick simply confirmed a continuation of the reality we’ve known for the past 3 years and 4 months. The state of "Not Pregnant" has been the only state we’ve ever experienced. We are all-too-familiar with this status; familiar, but again disappointed at a very deep, emotional level.

Fueling the disappointment this time was the increased expectation. Though we tried to mentally fight against the gleeful thoughts of a different, happier potential outcome, the quiet optimism proved too difficult to squelch completely.

The procedure had been simple; it seemed so hassle-free, so straight-forward. No red lights; no closed doors. Physically, everything seemed to be in order. Was this the light of God’s blessing shining down upon us? The doctor smiled at us as if conception was a foregone conclusion. But as we are still learning,

Pregnancy is never a foregone conclusion with God.

Deep inside us—in that very intimate place where one would expect life to begin—there is an emptiness that we can only fill with hope. What else fits that void but a kind of faith-filled expectation? In our painful times of waiting and wrestling, we find our watery eyes taking focus and seeing Someone Who knows our griefs because He Himself has experienced greater griefs than we can ever imagine. It’s only that vision through eyes of faith—granted by grace—that causes us to hope.

God has already written our story, and we have the privilege of reading it one day at a time. This current chapter of our lives contains more sadness than previous chapters, but we look forward to the unknown plot turns in the coming chapters. We anticipate the future because God is the Author, and the Author is Love.

While God has never promised us a biological child, He has already fulfilled in providing us His only child: our Savior, Jesus. And in remembering that fact we have already learned a most important truth:

Love for His children is always a foregone conclusion with God.

~David