Rejoicing and Weeping

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15 

From 2010 to the beginning of 2013, our church body of less than 200 regular attendees grew from the inside-out by 25. In just over two years, 25 children were born into the church family. With these births came the obligatory Sunday morning pregnancy announcements, baby showers, hospital visits, birth announcement postcards, and the all-around celebration of God-given life. This, of course, has been a demonstration of God’s wonderful blessing upon our small congregation and has provided great joy as we have watched God work in our midst. We have been reminded through this time of blessing to heed Paul’s words to the church and “rejoice with those who rejoice.”

Throughout this time, however, there have been those within this same body of believers who, like Paige and I, have been so far unable to conceive. And for us, even in the midst of our rejoicing with our brothers and sisters, it has been a time spotted with weeping moments.

(Side note: In all honesty, it’s difficult to even put this in writing because I fear it represents a self-centeredness. But we pray to God regularly to guard our hearts from looking at ourselves. We ask God to magnify Himself so greatly during this time that we will not be able to fix our eyes anywhere else but upon Him.)

While we truly love celebrating with our dear friends when God blesses them with children, we there’s no denying the emotional burden we carry simultaneously. And this is where the second part of Paul’s instruction comes into effect: “Weep with those who weep.”

We have been overwhelmed by the way the saints of God have been an encouragement to us through this period of waiting. And it seems that the more we have shared with God’s people, the more He has strengthened us. We have received so many carefully worded notes of encouragement, experienced tear-filled conversations, and listened to heart-felt prayers lifted to God on our behalf. Simply knowing that faithful children of God, our brothers and sisters in Christ, are weeping with us as we wait for God’s blessing is a blessing of it’s own. It’s reassuring. It’s sanctifying. It’s humbling.

I appreciate what my friend, Pastor Nick Kennicott, wrote earlier this year in describing a difficult suffering in his own family:

Through the tears in my eyes, I saw the tears in theirs. Part of the body was hurt, injured, afflicted, and so the rest of the body was likewise burdened with the pain and shared in the grief (1 Corinthians 12:26). Soon after we had made it known, we heard from many other couples who have experienced the same pain, and were encouraged by their words and actions, full of overwhelming love and support. Never had we felt like we needed the church as much as we did in those days, and all of God’s promises about the church proved to be gloriously true. We were the recipients of the love of God’s people who love us because Christ first loved them.

To that we say, “Amen!” Paige and I are so thankful for the saints surrounding us. Those constant encouragers and diligent prayer warriors. Those with sympathetic smiles, welcoming arms, and soft shoulders. We praise God for a church that rejoices with the rejoicing and weeps with the weeping. May God continue to grow us in our love for one another as we grow in our love for Him.

~David

Prayer's Perspective

God, You told us You’d bless us—

And how blessed we are!—

While we pray for a child

You work in our hearts.

It amazes us when we stop to think about all that God has blessed us with already. Even while our minds are filled by thoughts of what we do not have—those blessings that we want but lack—our Heavenly Father reminds us of what He has blessed us with, namely His own Son, our wonderful Savior Jesus.  That by itself is enough to satisfy us for eternity.

But God’s storehouse of blessing overflows in our lives every day. As we pray to Him, trusting that He hears our prayers and answers them, we realize how much He is using this time to bless us presently. Even while we wait for a child, we experience the presence of God’s Spirit working within us to make us more like our Lord. That sanctifying grace of God currently at work in our hearts reminds us that God loves us enough to refine us, to shape us, to teach and to grow us. And while the womb remains vacant, for this reason our hearts are full of joy. 

Thank You, Father, for the eternal blessing of Your love which gave us the expensive blessing of Jesus through Whom we know the ever-present blessing of Your Holy Spirit. Continue to work in our hearts, that our lives may be a reflection of Christ. We ask in His name. Amen.

~David

The Shoe

Morgan had recently moved out of the house and mom needed to replace furniture for her old room. Mom loves old, antique, and refurbished furniture and frequents shops that sell said items in downtown Joplin. Mom purchased a few unique pieces including a large trunk. Mom moved the furniture around Morgan's old room deciding what pieces would look best and where. She opened the trunk to take a peek inside. There were a few drawers that you could take out and then replace once items were stored away.  As she was taking the drawers out, she noticed 1 tiny baby shoe.

Mom says it's my rainbow. My promise that a child will come. Since finding the tiny baby shoe, she's tried many times to just throw it away. There was no pair to the shoe. No reason to keep it. But she can't seem to throw it away. It's a symbol. A symbol of something to come. It's a reminder. A reminder to pray for a miracle.

And so, mom keeps the shoe and we all keep praying.

~Paige

Trust

"This is a Savior who accepts us just the way we are- Mary or Martha or a combination of both-but loves us too much to leave us that way. He is the one who can give us a Mary heart in a Martha world." ~ Joanna Weaver

I’ve always been intrigued by the story of Mary and Martha. While I love the picture of Mary, ignoring the whispers of others, making her way to Jesus, I empathize with Martha. While I hope that I would be a Mary, pouring my praise on Christ with oil from an alabaster box, I fear that I might be a Martha…too focused on the task at hand to focus on Jesus.

In Emily Freeman’s book, Grace for the Good Girl, she spends a whole chapter on “Martha and Her Many Things.” Emily explains that Martha thought she was irreplaceable and that the work would not get done unless she did it. While Martha got a few things right, she missed the mark. Martha had many things she felt needed to get done, and so do we. Emily encourages readers to think of our many things. Our lists grow longer and longer and become more daunting. Emily also thinks of infertile Sarah in the Old Testament and how her lack of trust in God caused her to convince Abraham to conceive with Hagar. Sarah thought she needed to find another way for God’s promise of having a child to come to be, that she couldn’t possibly become pregnant without creating her own plan.

As a woman struggling with infertility, I often lose trust, like Sarah, and try to find other ways to become pregnant….hours on the internet, searching the latest and greatest research, reading endless blogs of other women in my situation…and I lose sight of Christ. I focus on the work, rather than the worship.

When we find ourselves focusing on the work rather than the worship, may we think of Mary. Worship should flow out of the hearts of those that believe. Mary, Jesus’ mother, also gave worship rather than work. When the angel of the Lord came to her and told her she would conceive a child and give birth to a son named Jesus, she trusted and worshiped.

May I learn to trust God so that pleasing Him is automatic, rather than working to please Him and finding it hard to trust.

(Thought and excerpts from the book Grace for the Good Girl)

Alabaster Box - A song by CeCe Winans

The room grew still

As she made her way to Jesus

She stumbles through the tears that made her blind

She felt such pain

Some spoke in anger

Heard folks whisper

There's no place here for her kind

Still on she came

Through the shame that flushed her face

Until at last, she knelt before his feet

And though she spoke no words

Everything she said was heard

As she poured her love for the Master

From her box of alabaster


Refrain


And I've come to pour

My praise on Him

Like oil from Mary's alabaster box

Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears

And I dry them with my hair

You weren't there the night He found me

You did not feel what I felt

When he wrapped his love all around me and

You don't know the cost of the oil

In my alabaster box


Can't forget the way life used to be

I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound

And I spent my days 

Poured my life without measure

Into a little treasure box

I'd thought I'd found

Until the day when Jesus came to me

And healed my soul

With the wonder of His touch

So now I'm giving back to Him

All the praise He's worthy of

I've been forgiven 

And that's why

I love Him so much


Refrain


And I've come to pour

My praise on Him

Like oil from Mary's alabaster box

Don't be angry if I wash his feet with my tears

And dry them with my hair (my hair)

You weren't there the night Jesus found me

You did not feel what I felt 

When He wrapped his loving arms around me and

You don't know the cost of the oil

Oh, you don't know the cost of my praise

You don't know the cost of the oil

In my alabaster box

~Paige

Why?

Did you know that approximately 605,479 women get pregnant each day? This means that there are about 220 million women that get pregnant each year. Seems pretty easy? In fact, 15 year olds conceive during a one-time youthful indiscretion, crack-heads conceive while high on drugs, prostitutes conceive often while “on the job”, lovers conceive who are not yet ready to make a commitment… Many of these pregnancies that occur “accidentally” result in over 1.2 million abortions (murders) in the United States each year.

While all of this is occurring in the world, women like me who are in committed, godly relationships who are actively, desperately trying to conceive cannot. And we look to the statistics and ask, “why not us?” We know that 85% of women actively trying are able to achieve pregnancy within a year. And we ask, “why not us?” Month after month, year after year,  we hope, we wait, we pray…and nothing. “Why can’t we be a part of the 85%?” we ask. “What sin have we not confessed?” we ask. “Why don’t we deserve what the other 85% have?” we ask. “What is God trying to teach us?” we ask. “Why does a good God plan and prescribe bad things to happen to us, who are striving to do what is good and right?” we ask.

I firmly believe it’s okay to ask why, to be sad, to cry out, to long for answers. But I also believe, Jesus brings people to the edge of self-sufficiency and urges us to fall to the ground in surrender. I believe, Jesus is present when people are broken. I believe, that no matter what, even if God calls me home tonight in my sleep, He never stepped off His throne. He simply brought me closer to it. I believe that God is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. I believe that God is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever.

“Why?” we ask. We may never know why. We may never know all the answers. We may never get pregnant. But we do know that God is sovereign. We do know He knows all the answers. We do know He has a reason. And we can trust Him. He is our hope. He is our joy. He is our all and all. He is all we need.

Dear Lord, I receive your timing. I accept that you know so I don’t have to. Even when it all goes wrong.

Excerpts from Grace for the Good Girl and God’s Word

~Paige Giarrizzo

Poem: "Have You Ever"

I wrote the following poem on a plane coming home from a vacation. Even after such a sweet time on a trip with my wife, I couldn’t help the nagging thoughts as we flew home, the lingering hopes concerning pregnancy. 30,000 feet above the earth, with Paige asleep on my shoulder, it was one of those moments of loneliness. I wondered to myself if we would ever get to experience the joys and pains of bringing a child into this world. I wondered if I would ever get the opportunity to help a life to start. And if not, I was asking why...

"Have You Ever"

Have you ever 

Sought for just a mite of gold --

Fought with all your might to hold --

But lost your mind while grasping

Asking why?

Have you ever 

Blown your lid over little flings

Kept your cool through bigger stings

Known God's will without grasping

Asking why?

Have you ever 

Felt real pain in happiness

Laughed amidst the loneliness

Fell down face first grasping

Asking why?

 

Have you ever

Helped a life to start

Heard a beating heart

Held a small hand grasping?...

I'm asking, "Why?"

~David

God Disciplines Those He Loves

When Paige and I realized that conceiving children wouldn’t be as easy for us as it is for most people, one of my first reactions was to inquire of God: “Why?”  I wondered to myself and to God in prayers, “If God is the Creator of life and has called the gift of children a good and blessed thing (Psalm 127:3-5), then why would He withhold that tremendously good thing from my wife and me?”

As the days and weeks passed by, and the question of “Why?” kept me curious, this verse from Hebrews 12:6-7 continually came to mind: “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons.”

Maybe withholding the gift of physical offspring was God’s way of disciplining me for old patterns of sin that I had yet to put to death or for holding on to idols in my life. Clearly God’s Spirit was working through His Word to affect me personally. And the effect--while it hurt beyond anything I had experienced before--was spiritually beneficial.

On the one hand, the thought of God disciplining me caused me to seriously self-examine. I began to pay more attention to my thoughts, words, and actions to find and quit the wrong. Conversely, I began doing the good things that I had neglected, namely spending more time with the Lord. During those times I now asked God to show me the remaining areas of sin in my life that I might repent and be made clean. My prayer echoed the psalmist: “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23-24).

On the other hand there was a strange comfort at the thought of God’s discipline. I knew that if God didn’t love me, then He wouldn’t discipline me, like a father who cares nothing for his own children. But in Revelation 3:19 I read God saying, “Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent.” It’s as if He was speaking directly into my heart. Not only was God telling me that He loved me like a father loves his children and disciplines them, but He was showing me how to respond to the discipline: through humility and repentance. Prior to my salvation, God could have left me alone and allow me to live and die in my own sinful filth (Romans 1:28). But He didn’t. He loved me enough that He sent His only Son to die in my place and thereby secure my place as a child of the eternal Father. And even still, as a child of the Almighty, when I stray like a disobedient son, God runs after me, disciplines me, and reminds me that nothing can separate me from His powerful love.

“Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O Lord, and whom you teach out of your law. Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word” (Psalm 94:12, 67).

~David

Joy! My Journal Entry- 11/11/12

Joy!

My notes from reading a book by Barbara Johnson.

Deut. 29:29, "The secret things belong to the Lord."

"There is no oil without squeezing the olives. No wine without pressing the grapes. No fragrance without crushing the flowers, and no real joy without sorrow."

~Paige 

God's Timing. My Journal Entry-10/22/12

"God has perfect timing, never early, never late. It takes a little patience and a lot of faith. But it's always worth the wait."

Not sure where I found the quote, but I like it! 

~Paige

God, Are You There? Part II

During the week of February 18, 2013 and into the following week, I found myself asking again, "God, are you there?" I felt so alone and as though no one truly understood what I was going through. God reminded me three more times through three amazing ladies that He was/is there.

First, I received a Facebook message from a friend, Becky, whom I have never met in person  but was introduced to me via Facebook by my wonderful sister, Morgan. Becky, like me, struggled with infertility and was one of the first of several women to reach out to me concerning this struggle. She messaged me that week to let me know that God had brought my name to her mind several times and that she had been praying for me.

Second, my friend, Kelly, scheduled a frozen yogurt-date and took time out of her busy schedule to listen to my heart and pray with me. The words that she spoke to me were some of the same words that I had told God I had needed to hear earlier that week.

Finally, I went to our church's annual women's retreat. As I was sitting at breakfast, one of the ladies I hadn't had the opportunity to get to know came over to me and gave me a hug. I was a little surprised because I didn't know her that well. She started to walk away but turned back around stating, "God has brought your name to my mind several times recently. Is there any way I can be praying for you?" I think my mouth dropped, and I said, "Yes! David and I have been trying to get pregnant for some time now." She said, "I knew it! That's why I was supposed to talk to you.  I struggled with infertility for 9 years." So she began to share her story and introduced me to Psalm 113:9.

Isn't God good? He knows exactly what we need and when we need it, and He is always faithful.

~ Paige

God, Are You There?

One week in October 2012, I vividly remember asking God if He still remembered me as I drove to work. I was listening to and singing along with Kari Jobe's, "We Exalt Your Name." Only a few days later, God reminded me that He was still actively involved in my life and cared for every detail. For it was on October 16th & 17th that more than half of my peers and most of the upper management at my work were laid off. However, for reasons known only to Him, God spared me and reminded me once again of His love and His watch-care over me. 

~ Paige 

Excerpts from Kari Jobe's We Exalt Your Name

Your presence fills and satisfies
Tear's down the walls we hide behind
Oh, God of every aching heart
We long for You in light and dark
For Jesus reigns
Over all He reigns
We Exalt Your Name
High above the heavens
We Exalt Your Name
All of creation sings praise(2X's)

Just Because

Sometime in the fall/winter of 2012, I received a note in the mail from my close friend,  Allison. The note was labeled, "Just Because." God brought my name to her heart during a time that I was feeling especially down. Her note included words from Paul Tripp on Psalm 27:

"Waiting on God isn't about the suspension of meaning and purpose. It's part of the meaning and purpose. It's part of the meaning and purpose that God brought into my life. Waiting on God isn't to be viewed as an obstruction in the way of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn't simply about what I'll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient, and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I become while I wait. God is using the wait to do in and through me exactly what He's promised. Through the wait, He's changing me. By means of the wait, He's altering the fabric of my thoughts and desires. Through the wait He's causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom. And all this sharpens me, enabling me to be a more useful tool in His redemptive Hands."

Her note also included a quote from a Puritan: 

"Second only to suffering, waiting may be the greatest teacher and trainer in godliness, maturity, and genuine spirituality most of us ever encounter."

Wow! What encouraging words from Allison, someone who knows what it means to wait. She has experienced a similar season of waiting for her adopted daughter, Elliana, whom we will soon meet!

God is good to provide friends to walk with us through difficult times. 

~ Paige

Alone

"Infertility is a loss that leads to what many professionals refer to as hidden grief. It doesn't get expressed publicly. That's because the loss brought by infertility is not as widely understood as the loss experienced when a loved one dies. Infertility is intangible, whereas death is tangible. Infertility cannot be touched or seen, so its bearers hide their sorrow, complicating their grief and prolonging their healing." 
~ Excerpt from Water from the Rock

One of the reasons I felt it important to write about our story was to encourage others that might be in the same situation that we are. I hope to provide insight to those who are friends or family of couples that struggle with infertility and may not know for themselves what that struggle entails.  


Infertility is a lonely struggle. We did not share our burden with others for some time. Even still we are often hesitant to discuss our story in fear of awkward conversations, shallow comments, and superficial remarks that would only deepen our pain. However, God has laid it on our hearts to share our story with you, and He has already blessed us with encouraging words, prayers, and insights from fellow believers. Our prayer is that you too will be blessed by these words and encouraged by Christ, who is the Word. 

~ Paige

Remington

God's blessings sometimes come in unusual packages.

When we started this journey a year and a half ago, we had no idea where God would take us. Like most couples, we never even imagined we would struggle conceiving. My mother and father easily conceived three children. In fact, my brother was conceived while my mom was on birth control! Even my grandmother conceived each time her and my grandfather tried to have children. David's side of the family tells a similar story. However, God had other plans for me and David, and He has provided for us each step of the way.

One way in which He has provided for us is in a furry, little friend--our dog, Remington. It was exactly the same month we started this journey that God brought Remington in our lives. He has provided fun, energy, companionship, and love when we needed it the most.

God knew that we would need this little blessing during this trying time in our lives. 

~ Paige

It Takes Three to Tango...

February 13, 2013

As we walked out of the doctor's office after our first consultation, David remarked something along the lines of, "Well, It takes two to tango." I commented, "Actually, in our case, it takes three." 

For 85% of couples, when it comes to conceiving in their first year of trying, it does only take two to tango; but for couples like me and my husband David, conceiving naturally doesn't come easily. That's where the third party in this tango comes in: the doctor. 

The fertility doctor commented, "Most couples who sit across from me ask, 'Why us?', and I say, 'Why anyone? It's a miracle anyone gets pregnant!'" As Christians, we know that the miracle of life comes from God. He plans and organizes every intricate detail, and we know that ultimately it only takes One to plan and begin the dance.

~ David and Paige

Psalm 113:9

He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!