Careless Words, Caring Hearts

In the almost nine years since our wedding day, I think we’ve heard it all:

“What’s taking you guys so long?"
“Don’t you know how these things work?”
“You’re next!”
“Your parents want grandchildren.”
“Are you afraid of kids, or something?”
“Everybody else is doing it…”

You may think I’m making some of these up, but I can assure you I’m not. My wife and I have heard these comments—or comments very akin to these—at various times throughout our marriage. What the commenters have neglected to consider, however, is the possibility that we, like thousands of other married couples, may be struggling with infertility issues.

Dumb, careless, rude, unthoughtful, unloving--Instinctively, these are the accusing words that come to my mind when I've received these words from others. "Who do you think you are?...What do you know?...What gives you the right to pry into our personal lives?...Mind your own business!...."  While I've never replied this way verbally, I've wanted to. Even still I find myself justifying my thoughts: "Well, it ISN'T anyone's business." That might be true, but it's an accusatory, short-sighted view I take of others who might simply be using a poor choice of words at a difficult time in our lives to ask us a personal, heart-felt question.

Comments like the above rarely originate from mean spiritedness or cruel intentions. No, instead, they are often rooted in goodwill and are meant to encourage rather than disparage. We've had to remind ourselves of this often. We haven't been perfect in this regard. Infertility is largely a silent struggle for couples. Few people know or understand the emotional, psychological pains that come with this affliction. Dealing with this trial ourselves has caused us to be hyper-sensitive to the topic of children-bearing. So of course we have been tempted to sin--and we have sinned in our hearts by becoming angry or bitter or resentful--when tactless or ill-timed comments  have been directed at us. Thus we have had to do our fair share of repenting and praying for God's peace to guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7).

The church is a body of imperfect parts. That includes us. This is the perspective we must possess when people make offhanded remarks and comments that unknowingly hurt us. Sadly, I can’t count all of the foot-in-mouth moments I’ve experienced where I unintentionally hurt or embarrassed someone. And I have to remember that when I am the recipient of those comments from others.

Still, I think these moments provide a lesson for all of us to learn: Be careful with your words. It’s a constant battle: managing our thoughts before they become words. For me, I have to tell myself, “When in doubt, keep your mouth shut!” (Prov. 17:28). Of course, because of sin and pride, I don’t always listen to my conscience; thus, my tongue inevitably loosens (James 3:5) and it gets me into trouble (Prov. 12:18).

God has much to say about the power of the tongue and the words we say. Here’s just a small sampling of verses that continually admonish me:

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29

“When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” Proverbs 10:9

“Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” Proverbs 21:23

“So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!” James 3:5

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18

“Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” Proverbs 17:28

“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” Psalm 141:3

As Christians, we must heed the words of God and keep a careful watch on our words, because where there are many, sin is not far off (Proverbs 10:9). Similarly, we need to guard our mouths against unnecessarily offending our neighbors. While there’s a time and place for tough love through honest conversation about difficult issues, we certainly don’t need to be needlessly causing offense.


I offer this post as a message I'm preaching to myself often. I need to heed my own words about words. I need to watch what I say and put a careful guard on what John Bunyan refers to as "Mouth-gate" of the "Town of Mansoul." And when others speak to me carelessly, I need to pause before being offended and remember that careless words do not necessarily flow out of uncaring hearts. May God gives us all more love for each other, and may that love be demonstrated by what we say--and sometimes by what we don't say.

~David