The Benefits of Childlessness: Marriage

This post is part of an on-going series on the Blessings of Childlessness. For an introduction to the series, click here. So far I have identified three areas of life where childless couples experience unique benefits from God: in their marriages, in their ministry, and in their money. In this post we will consider the first: Marriage.

The Covenant of Companionship
The first area of life where my wife and I have experienced the benefits of childlessness is in our marriage. Even as we hit 10 years this summer since our wedding day, in many ways we are still newlyweds. And as I’ve written before, we are already a family: just the two of us. Together we comprise one family unit in the eyes of God. Isn’t that how the history of mankind began—with the matrimony of husband and wife officiated by the Creator God Himself?

"Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” …And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2:18, 22-24

Notice that God gave Adam a wife. Just a wife—no children; no pregnancy. Just a woman formed by God specifically for man. If ever there was a match made in heaven, it was here. This marriage was perfect. And it should be noted that the coupling of Adam and Eve by God began simply as a union of male and female for the primary purpose of companionship.

As a commentary on Scripture’s view of marriage, both the Westminster and the 1689 Baptist Confessions of Faith (chapters 24 & 25, respectively) appropriately describe the purpose of marriage as first, "for the mutual help of husband and wife.” Dr. Sam Waldron writes, “The governing purpose of marriage is to provide a man and a woman one another’s companionship.” Look again at Genesis 2:18, “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

I love that verbiage: “fit for him.” God designed for the wife to be fit for man, and him for her. There’s the physical fit—by God’s design—that creates the “one flesh” in the consecration of marriage. There’s the emotional fit—by God’s design—that creates the mutuality and companionship of the marriage relationship. There’s the hierarchal fit—by God’s design—where the man, created first, leads the wife, who is his helper. And there’s the spiritual fit—by God’s design—that creates the faith-based, Christ-centered marriage. God made man a helper fit just for him, and that helper’s name is Woman.

Jay Adams, in his short but extremely helpful book, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage, comments on this text: “In other words, the reason for marriage is to solve the problem of loneliness. Companionship,” Adams states, “is the essence of marriage.”

When we look at the way God viewed the marriage relationship between Adam and Eve, we see His supreme pleasure with what He had created. It was “very good.” It was the first family unit. It was marriage.

The Foundation of Friendship
"This is my beloved and this is my friend…” Song of Songs 5:16

I remember reading Joshua Harris’ book, Boy Meets Girl, when I was in high school, and I really appreciated his emphasis on friendship preceding romance. That’s an extremely healthy approach for single people to take when considering a potential spouse. Friendship, fellowship, and then romance, as Harris encouraged.

I think that being without children has given us plenty of time to understand the importance of a marriage built on the solid foundation of friendship. Paige and I were married at 20 and 21, respectively. We were the first of all our friends from high school and college to get married. Before marriage, we were friends. Best friends. And by God's grace, we held onto that friendship as it blossomed into love, even as 1,200 miles separated us for three years leading up to our wedding day.

But here we’ve seen—not only experimentally, but through the pages of Scripture—that the primary purpose of marriage is companionship. I know that in some circles, that statement is hotly contested. But as for my wife and I, the truth of this primary purpose of God for marriage has actually proved quite comforting.

Paige and I and other childless married couples are as much a family in the eyes of God as married couples who have children. This may seem as a minor point to some, but it comes back to God’s primary purpose for marriage—companionship. Even now, as we wait for children, Paige and I are fulfilling God’s intended purpose for marriage. What comfort and delight we have found in this normal doctrinal truth!

I also think it’s worth noting here that, both theologically and practically-speaking, marriage takes priority over parenting. Here’s what I mean: God gave Adam a wife. Just a wife—no children; no pregnancy (though, of course with the physical potential and intended design for pregnancy). But Jay Adams again writes, “God did not put a parent and child into the garden. Adam and Eve were man and wife. That shows that the primary human relationship (and family relationship) is husband and wife.”

I’ve heard that this actually comes up quite often for those who do a lot of counseling. When a parent puts their child before their spouse, they are turning God’s intended purpose for marriage upside down. The marital relationship takes priority over any other family relationship. We don’t have the time to discuss all of the implications here, but please note both the primacy and permanency of the marriage relationship in contrast to the temporary relationship between a parent and child.

Investing in Each Other
"Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it.” Proverbs 15:17

Spouses should take advantage of the simple moments in their marriage to grow deeper in love with one another. What does this look like? Well, investing in one another can take on a variety of forms.

First, note the essential ingredient of time. The good news is that childlessness in our marriage has given us plenty of distraction-less time to invest in one another. Time is a precious commodity to all. Quiet time, even more rare, especially for parents. Children, while a blessing, can also be a distraction to the marriage relationship. Cute little distractions, I’m sure, but distractions nonetheless. Within a childless marriage there exist many opportunities for a husband and wife to spend their time focusing on one another, loving the other as Christ has loved His bride, the Church. Those may be simple times, like a dinner of only herbs. But where there is that love between the husband and wife—best friends in the most meaningful of ways—who needs extravagance? Whether it’s across the table at a fancy restaurant or in the car on the way to the dentist or in bed just before you turn out the lights, husbands and wives need to take advantage of the time given to them to invest in each other.

As we were encouraged in premarital counseling over a decade ago, I want to pass along this encouragement to all married couples: make time for one another on a regular basis. I’m not just talking about sex here, though that could be part of it; but make time in your busy schedules to talk, listen, laugh, gaze into each other eyes—whatever it is that you enjoy doing together that brings you closer to one another as husband and wife. One easy way to do this is to plan a weekly date night. My parents continue to be great examples of this after 35 years of marriage. Whether it’s going out for a nice dinner or taking a scenic drive or just sitting by your pool at home—carve out time each week for each other. Make date night a priority in your marriage and schedule.

The second ingredient of investing in one another is meaningful conversation; speaking and listing. Now notice the words on both sides of the ‘and.’ Not only talking to your spouse, but listening to him or her is an essential part of marital investment. All married couples need to make the time to share with one another their thoughts, desires, and ideas; the fears, stresses, and concerns of life; their feelings of accomplishment and their feelings of failure; their areas of growth and areas of weakness. Good conversation is a mark of a healthy marriage. But it takes deliberate effort. This means ridding yourself of those things that distract from communication—phone, email, TV, house work, etc. Be physically present. Look into each other’s eyes. Engage with your mind. And then experience meaningful conversation.

The third and last ingredient that I’ll mention is sexual intimacy. After God had created Eve, He referred to them as “one flesh.” Jesus reiterated this notion in Matthew 19:6 and Mark 10:8. Throughout God’s Word, in fact, we see the celebration of sex within marriage. Consider Proverbs 5:18-19—"Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” Notice no mention of childbearing in this reference to marital intimacy. In his little book, The Intimate Marriage, R.C. Sproul points to the entire book of Song of Songs as evidence of God’s blessing upon sexual intimacy within marriage. Sproul says, “I believe it as a love song, one that celebrates the holy situation of sexual love and the sanctity of the physical aspects of marriage.”

And it’s not just the Old Testament that points to this physical aspect of marriage. Sproul continues to say later, “If we examine the New Testament closely, we will discover something else that has often been obscured. Sex is not only permitted in marriage, it is commanded.” And he then points his readers to the words of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, which state,

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self.”

So here Paul basically tells husbands and wives that their bodies belong to each other, and that regular sex is good because it prevents the temptation to sin.

And the Puritans, who often receive a bad rap on the subject of sexual intimacy, were actually strong advocates of sex within the confines of marriage. William Gouge referred to physical union as “one of the most proper and essential acts of marriage.” William Perkins defined marriage as “the lawful conjunction of the two married persons; that is, of one man and one woman into one flesh.” Alexander Niccholes theorized that in marriage “thou not only unitest unto thyself a friend and comfort for society, but also a companion for pleasure.” (HT: Thirsty Theologian)

This should all come as encouragement to married couples, especially those struggling with infertility. While procreation is an obvious purpose of sex, it’s not the only purpose. God intended sex to bring a couple pleasure not just offspring. So invest in one another sexually.

Flexibility for Fun
"So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad.” Ecclesiastes 8:15 NIV

Finally, when it comes to the focus on marriage as a benefit of childlessness, I can’t ignore the flexibility component. As I have stated (and will continue to reiterate), children are a blessing. But let’s be honest—they’re often inconvenient blessings. So while a childless couple waits for children, the flexibility of their schedules is freer than the more constrained schedules of their friends with children.

Most of our married friends have children, and we’ve seen many of these couples struggle to find time for date nights together. This is especially difficult for the married couple when grandparents and other family are out of state and trustworthy babysitters are hard to come by. We’ve observed the difficulties our parent-friends face when we’ve tried to plan group date nights or other events. Children often dictate the parents’ schedules and availability, while childless couples like us experience much less impediment and can make plans with little lead-time.

As an example (and confession), we don’t plan our weekly meals very far in advance. We keep a pantry and fridge stocked with enough of the basics, but we don’t need to plan ahead because we have the freedom and flexibility to make it up as we go depending on what we are feeling like that day. We don’t have specific meal times like our friends with kids. Will we someday if the Lord blesses us with children? Yes, that’s the plan. A consistent schedule is good and important for children to have (or so I hear). But if we want to grab sushi during happy hour on our way home from work or grab a late-night bite after a movie, we have the flexibility to do either with very little planning or forethought. Yes, we know that will likely disappear if God gives us children; but for now, we enjoy the flexibility our childless marriage as a unique benefit for us from God.

Summary
I don’t think anyone denies it: Marriage is tough. Martin Luther is quoted as once saying, “What a lot of trouble there is in marriage! Adam has made a mess of our nature. Think of all the squabbles Adam and Eve must have had in the course of their nine hundred years. Eve would say, 'You ate the apple,' and Adam would retort, 'You gave it to me.” And while we laugh, we know that truly, marriages have been like that ever since our first parents fell into sin. Marriage takes work—years of constant practice at being a biblical husband or wife. But second to our salvation in Christ, marriage has to be the best blessing, the greatest gift God has given us. And yes, that means even better than the gift of children.

So while you wait for God’s blessing of children, enjoy His greater blessing of marriage. Understand that companionship is the primary purpose of God for marriage. Consider your spouse your best friend. Take advantage of this “quiet time” together by investing in each other through time, conversation, and physical affection. And have fun to the glory of God!

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22

The Benefits of Childlessness: An Introduction

I know it's odd to put it that way: The "Benefits" of childlessness? So allow me to unpack this notion in a short series of posts. However, before we look at these so-called benefits, I understand the sensitive nature of this topic for people who have children and those who desire children, thus I feel the need to outline my purpose in writing, add a few customary disclaimers, and make one important clarification.

Purpose
The purpose of this series is simply to comfort the afflicted and encourage the discouraged. I write from a position of personal experience with the affliction of infertility in order to help others find hope and contentment in their similar suffering.

Disclaimer #1
First, I do not mean to imply that childlessness or infertility is a blessing. While God can and will use trials in His children's lives to instruct, mature, and sanctify them—and thereby bless them—infertility is a very real affliction that can greatly discourage couples desirous of children. The scope of this series, however, is to focus on the first half of that last sentence: God blesses His loved ones even in the difficult chapters of life (Romans 8:28).

Disclaimer #2
Second, in discussing the “benefits” of childlessness, I do not mean to assert a greater level of importance to being without children than to child-bearing and rearing. In no way do I intend to downplay or trivialize the true benefits of parenting. Each chapter of life possesses unique importance and some chapters of life contain benefits uncommon to other chapters. Just as the benefits of singleness do not negate, minimize, or replace the importance and benefits of marriage, so the benefits of childlessness do not negate, minimize, or replace the importance and benefits of parenting. In fact, my prayer is that any childless couple like us who earnestly desires the blessing of children will experience that blessing and the benefits that follow in that particular chapter of life.

Disclaimer #3
Third, none of these benefits are exclusive to couples without children. I have observed many, many parents who enjoy the activities outlined in this series even with children under their roofs (though it may take more conscious effort and concerted energy for those couples to do so). The purpose of this post, however, is simply to observe some specific ways couples without children can find contentment in their suffering by ministering to others.

Clarification
Finally, this is in no way an argument for what has been termed “childfree living." There is an important distinction between childless and child-free. By childless, I refer to the couple who desires to have children but has not been blessed with them yet. Child-free, however, typically refers to the couple who has considered the possibility of children but has made a deliberate decision not to pursue parenthood. I believe there is a stark difference between these two types of couples in both their worldviews and heart motives. I will refrain from commenting here and now about the moral and truth elements of the worldview and attitude of a typical child-free ideology; but please recognize that there is in fact a fundamental difference between the worldviews and intentions of a childless couple and those of a child-free couple.

With those tedious but necessary thoughts out of the way, let me introduce the actual topic at hand, and I pray that as you follow along with me in this series, God will encourage wherever you are, no matter the providence.

Introduction
I completed my Master of Business Administration in May 2013. Throughout my studies I found that many assignments required me to compare and contrast different options in order to make a quality business decision. These activities and reports are known by different names: SWOT analysis; Pros-and-Cons list; Decision matrix; etc. These metrics enable one to evaluate present factors in order to make an informed judgment or decision.

At times, I have unintentionally applied a loose rubric of such analytical mechanisms to specific areas of my life. One such area of life is the family unit. Since my wife and I are in a specific chapter of life--married without children, or “childless”—I find myself evaluating our circumstances and looking for the positives, the opportunities the pros. You see, it takes little effort to see the downside of being married and desirous of children, but not able to conceive. So it's important and healthy for us to look at the "upside" of this time as well.

My aim in writing is to identify and emphasize the blessings of God even in our times of trial, so that we may "rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" (Romans 5:3-5). We are called to take hope and find contentment in our afflictions, knowing that whatever we suffer in this life is from the sovereign and loving hand of God and is meant to make us more like Christ Who suffered far worse than we ever will.

Correspondingly, I believe it is important to find ways to use life’s difficult days to serve the Lord and bless others. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). As I hope you’ll see, the list of “benefits” below is largely other-minded.

"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit,serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality." Romans 12:10-13

This is how the Apostle Paul instructs the local church body in its interactions with its various parts: Love. Honor. Serve. Rejoice. Wait. Pray. Give. These imperatives are not just for one specific demographic or category of people in the church. They are for all of us. However, just as Paul could say in 1 Corinthians 7 that it was good for him to be unmarried so that he could be unencumbered in his ministry to the Lord, I seek to extend the same logic of the Apostle to show the unique freedoms that childless couples enjoy in their ministry to the Lord.
 

The Benefits Outlined
In the next few posts, I plan to note at least three areas of life where my wife and I can personally speak to the benefits of childlessness. Each of these areas is a category like an umbrella, with many benefits beneath it. For the sake of simplicity, I will simply mention the three categories and add some details along the way.

The three general areas of life where childless couples can experience unique benefits are Marriage, Ministry, and Money. As I’ll seek to show, each of these slices of life naturally overlap with the others. In the next post, I will begin unpacking the specific benefits of marriage which childless couples enjoy beginning first with Marriage.

~David