"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." This quote begins the story of one of my favorite novels, A Tale of Two Cities. The author, Charles Dickens, uses unique phrasing and a steady rhythm to contrast opposing forces. He suggests that the best and the worst stand equally matched in their struggle. The two, parallel ideas hold equal weight.
Two days ago, the announcement came that a baby was on the way for the Giarrizzo family! This baby will be the first grandchild welcomed into our immediate family and there was much rejoicing.
However, for David and I, not only was there rejoicing, but a deep, indescribable pain, that would become a season of mourning. Why? Simply because we were not the ones to make this coveted announcement. We felt the weight of two opposing forces, equally matched: rejoicing and mourning. We so wanted rejoicing to have the victory over mourning. But for us, it did not.
We have longed for the day to make an announcement of our own, to have the first grandbaby, to bring the inexpressible joy to our families that we were now seeing, to experience the gift of children. But today, this gift is not ours. This gift is theirs. And it hurts.
The pain of infertility rears it's ugly head, bringing a flood of old emotions that we've been trying to keep at bay and new emotions we never knew existed. To be completely honest, it feels like someone near and dear to us died. This death that we feel is experienced month after month with every negative pregnancy test. But for some reason, when others, especially those closest to us, experience new life, in the form of a positive pregnancy test… it magnifies our own death.
This magnified death has brought with it a deep depression, a desire to isolate from the world, to crawl in a hole and die ourselves. We question God's goodness, His love for us, His plan. We ask, "Why them?" and "Why not us?" We question our position with God. Maybe we aren't truly one of His children? Maybe we've committed sin far too great that has caused God to withhold the same blessings from us that He so freely gives others? This death is hard to explain and even harder for others to understand, but it is so real. We know this is just the beginning of the reality… for the positive pregnancy test will soon bring a growing belly that will then bring a new baby into our world.
And we are rejoicing! We experience much joy for this miracle of life, to be an aunt and uncle, to welcome a baby into the family. We praise God for this gift, for His goodness in the lives of our family members. We truly rejoice with others who are expecting!
The ugly truth and reality though is that we have to fight to be truly happy for others…some days I'm not happy at all and selfishness takes over. It's not pretty and it doesn't look good. Paul says, "I beat my body…." And some days, that's exactly what it takes.
Two days ago, the announcement came that a baby was on the way for the Giarrizzo family! This baby will be the first grandchild welcomed into our immediate family and there was much rejoicing.
However, for David and I, not only was there rejoicing, but a deep, indescribable pain, that would become a season of mourning. Why? Simply because we were not the ones to make this coveted announcement. We felt the weight of two opposing forces, equally matched: rejoicing and mourning. We so wanted rejoicing to have the victory over mourning. But for us, it did not.
We have longed for the day to make an announcement of our own, to have the first grandbaby, to bring the inexpressible joy to our families that we were now seeing, to experience the gift of children. But today, this gift is not ours. This gift is theirs. And it hurts.
The pain of infertility rears it's ugly head, bringing a flood of old emotions that we've been trying to keep at bay and new emotions we never knew existed. To be completely honest, it feels like someone near and dear to us died. This death that we feel is experienced month after month with every negative pregnancy test. But for some reason, when others, especially those closest to us, experience new life, in the form of a positive pregnancy test… it magnifies our own death.
This magnified death has brought with it a deep depression, a desire to isolate from the world, to crawl in a hole and die ourselves. We question God's goodness, His love for us, His plan. We ask, "Why them?" and "Why not us?" We question our position with God. Maybe we aren't truly one of His children? Maybe we've committed sin far too great that has caused God to withhold the same blessings from us that He so freely gives others? This death is hard to explain and even harder for others to understand, but it is so real. We know this is just the beginning of the reality… for the positive pregnancy test will soon bring a growing belly that will then bring a new baby into our world.
And we are rejoicing! We experience much joy for this miracle of life, to be an aunt and uncle, to welcome a baby into the family. We praise God for this gift, for His goodness in the lives of our family members. We truly rejoice with others who are expecting!
The ugly truth and reality though is that we have to fight to be truly happy for others…some days I'm not happy at all and selfishness takes over. It's not pretty and it doesn't look good. Paul says, "I beat my body…." And some days, that's exactly what it takes.
Rejoicing and mourning, like the best and worst of times in Dickens' novel, continue to stand equally matched in their struggle, holding equal weight in our lives. The Bible says to "Rejoice with those who rejoice!" and "Mourn with those who mourn." And we are learning that we can do can both, not always independently of one another, but simultaneously.
~ Paige
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