Money Spent with Nothing Gained

Have you ever made a poor investment? Have you ever lost a lot of money on something in a short amount of time? Well, similar to the way one may invest in a venture that never leaves the ground, seeing the dollar signs spent without a return is not a good investment, and not an enjoyable experience, to say the least.

Who would have thought that looking back on our medical expenses from the past year would hurt so much?

Now maybe this sounds cold to some; somewhat shallow, unspiritual, and matter-of-fact. But for us it's a real pain-point.

Infertility hurts.

It hurts emotionally.

It hurts physically.

It hurts socially.

And it hurts financially.

It's as if our hopes for a biological child shrink in direct, converse relationship to the growing stack of medical bills on the countertop. Don't mistake me here: I'm not saying this is right. I'm not saying that our feelings should be dependent upon external data such as invoices and receipts. I'm simply acknowledging a rarely talked about reality of our journey through infertility.

What do we have to show for the years of consultation co-pays, tests, prescriptions, and procedures? Nothing. Or so it sometimes seems.

While we don't have a child, we are reminded by the Word of God that we already have all that we need right now. We're told in Psalm 84:11,

"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly."

No good thing does God withhold from us! Similarly we read in Psalm 34:10,

“The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.”

And what about the assurance given to us by the Holy Spirit in 2 Peter 1:3, "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness..."

Or as the Puritan Thomas Watson put it,

"If it is good for us, we shall have it; if it is not good for us, then the withholding of it is good."

So I guess that as that stack of bills continues to grow, this is the perspective we need to maintain. For those of us who have been bought by the blood of Jesus, God is telling us that according to Him, we already have all that we need for today, all that we need for right now, for both this life and for eternity.

~ David

Opening Up: 7 Benefits From Sharing Our Struggle

I've already written about how difficult it was for me to open up about our struggle with infertility. But once God brought me to a place of humility and complete dependence upon Him, then we opened up, began sharing our story, and have been blessed by God through it. Below are just some of the blessings we've experienced since opening up about our infertility. There have been many things God has taught us, ways he has encouraged us, and areas he's grown us through our suffering—and specifically as we've shared it with others—but here are 7 specific ways in which God has worked good things in our lives through our infertility:

1. Humility

I've alluded to this before: accepting the reality of our infertility was a large slice of humble pie for me. Opening up about it, however, was like eating the whole pie! But God, being perfect and wise, knew that I needed that pie (about the only kind of pie I need, if you ask my bathroom scale!). But as Scripture shows us, humility is a grace of God working in our lives. 1 Peter 5:5-7 reads, "...'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." Humility drives me to my knees, my proper place before my sovereign Creator, and it positions me for prayer. More on this in a moment.

2. Dependence

Walking comes pretty naturally to me on most days. I don't have to think about it, worry about it, or even pray about it. I just do it. But Paige has an 90-something-year-old uncle who has bad knees. Just to get up out of his recliner he has to almost pysch himself up for it. Once he gets his walker in position in front of him, he takes a bounce in his chair and uses his arms to help propel him to his feet. Walking doesn't come as naturally to him anymore. He's more dependent now to do what most people do without thinking about it. This is how we feel with childbearing. Something like 85-90% of childbearing-age couples don't have to put much effort into conceiving. It comes quite naturally to them, and they probably don't feel the sense of dependence upon anyone outside of the two of them to get pregnant. Unlike most couples, Paige and I have felt a dependence every month for the past 5 years now. And ultimately, this is good. Like we need humility, we likewise need to experience our dependence upon God, otherwise we would not have experienced the comfort we have found through talking to God in prayer.

3. Prayer

We have found much confidence in the Lord knowing that the prayers of a righteous man have great power (James 5:16). This isn't a magic formula; it's the simple process of speaking our thoughts to God knowing that He hears us because of Christ our Intercessor and answers us according to His perfect will. A. W. Pink defined prayer as “the way and means God has appointed for the communication of the blessings of His goodness to His people.” So while Paige and I pray and wait, we realize that even now—through our suffering, waiting, and our prayers to Him—God is working sanctifyingly in our hearts. This has proved to be such a helpful perspective for us. What's more, prayer itself comforts our hearts when we pray. The Puritan Thomas Watson once described prayer as "the dispeller of sorrow: By venting the grief it eases the heart." We're told in 1 Samuel 1:18 that Hannah poured out her heart before God in prayer and "was no longer sad." Truly, prayer is a means of God’s grace to us through which He “tinkers” with our hearts and conforms us more to the image of His Son. Thus while we continue waiting His blessing of children, we persevere in prayer with thankful hearts for all He has already graciously provided us. (An entire series of blogposts could—and probably should—be written on the importance of prayer. But maybe another time...)

4. Encouragement

I was at a national church conference a couple years ago when a well-known and much-respected pastor from across the country found me during a break. As he put his big arm around me, and proceeded to inform me that he and his wife had been praying for us, and specifically that God would grant our desire for children. Oh man, I was almost overcome with emotion right there! Here was a long time friend of my dad's, a man I had known for some time but hadn't personally told about our struggle. Nevertheless, he had heard about us, and he and his wife had been praying for us. What a blessed encouragement this was to our hearts! Similarly, Paige has experienced a number of instances when someone went out of their way to provide encouragement. In fact, the more we have opened up about our struggles the more God has encouraged us through prayers, comments, letters, cards, emails, texts, Facebook messages, and hugs. All of these have been an amazing comfort to us in our grief.

5. Resources

A couple years into our struggle with infertility, Paige had a coworker who stepped into her office one afternoon and almost out of the blue mentioned that he and his wife were seeing a fertility specialist. (I guess some people have a different definition of "casual conversation" than I do. But I digress...) What came out of that conversation was the contact name and number of a doctor who Paige and I would soon go visit. And the more we have opened up about our infertility—to both fellow believers as well as unbelievers—God has introduced us to a variety of resources such as doctor referrals, specialist and procedural recommendations, and just helpful food for thought as we walk through this struggle.

6. Ministry

Since opening up more about our difficult situation, we've come to realize just how many people have or are currently struggling in the same way. Some of these couples are close friends of ours who we see regularly, yet until we began talking about our infertility, we had no idea they were also struggling to get pregnant. This has astounded us on more than a few occasions. Just in our small church we have at least four or five couples who have been unable to have children and others who have had miscarriages. These are difficult providences in life that give us opportunities to minister to each other through prayer, conversation, and true Christian fellowship centered around the Word of God.

7. Empathy

Beyond infertility, we've also been better able to empathize with those who are struggling in many other ways. Suffering is suffering. We all suffer somehow. The goal isn't to try to compare or equate our suffering with anyone else's, but simply to acknowledge the reality of suffering in life and show genuine care and Christ-like compassion to others when they suffer. Empathy is walking side-by-side with someone through their hurt or grief. One man at our church recently referred to those who are struggling with any variety of pains—infertility, divorce, the death of a spouse, desiring to be married, stuck in a difficult financial situation, etc.—as the "disenfranchised" members of the church family. These are folks for whom life is difficult, at least right now. They feel hard-pressed on every side. And our role as brothers and sisters with other "disenfranchised" members of the body is to get close to them, to show them our love and commitment to them. Why? Because of the love that God has shown us through Christ.

And this is where all of our suffering comes back to the gospel of Christ. The reason we can endure any kind of suffering is by the grace of God as demonstrated to us by what Christ did on the cross on our behalf. Through Christ, we have real hope and comfort in the midst of life's difficult days. And so as we have opened up more and more about our struggles with infertility, we have seen Christ working more and more in and through our lives. May He be glorified in our suffering.

~David

Father's Day Reflections from a Non-Father

Yesterday was Father's Day. And to put it in admittedly unspiritual terms, it sucked.

That's all I could think to say through the tears as I drove home with my wife from a nice family lunch. What should have been a wonderful occasion celebrating my dad, my 91-year-old grandpa, and my younger brother on his first Father's Day as a dad himself, was a dismal day for me and Paige.

"How selfish of me," I'm still telling myself. "Don't be so sensitive."

But after more than a little self-examination, I really believe I went into Father's Day with the proper mindset. I sought to ensure my heart was right before I left for church in the morning, even the night before. I had spent time thanking the Lord for my dad. I thanked Him for my brother and the precious little gift God had given to Him barely two months ago. I prayed for the worship service that morning and for focus as I sat under the preaching of God's Word. And I prayed for strength, not knowing just how much strength I would actually need on this given Father's Day.

Our church service was blessed by God from start to finish. I left encouraged by the Spirit of Christ and excited for the family lunch to follow. But somehow, for some reason, our family lunch brought with it feelings of isolation and pain. And that's crazy, because I have such a warm and loving family! But as much as I tried to enter in on the family festivities around our meal together, I felt something missing.

Fatherhood, I assume: The life experience of every other male at that table. That's what I was missing.

And so it is, by God's design. While I don't always understand it, I can trust in a God Who does all things right and for the good of those who love Him. And even in my unsanctified, overly sensitive, selfish moments of tearful "This sucks!" cries, I can't help but remember that God's grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness.

~David

Father's Days Are Hard Too…

In our household, we prepare for Mother's Day. We start thinking about it weeks in advance. What's the plan? Should we go out of town this year? Should we stay home from church? Should we go late to church? Should we skip the festivities? And every year, after much prayer, we do the same thing we do every Sunday. We go to church. We celebrate the Lord's Day. We spend a LOT of time mentally and spiritually preparing for the day. We participate in the family lunch. We celebrate all the mothers. We survive and start another typical week.

It's a difficult day. We hold back tears. We try to be happy for everyone else. We try to smile and "ooo" and "ahhh" over the babies and play with the children. We try to engage in the conversations, all the while hoping we can leave this "awkward for us" situation as soon as possible. Inside, we feel like we don't fit in. The mothers get to go through the lunch line first. The mothers open their gifts. The mothers take pictures with their children. And we feel awkward and out of place. But we make it through the day, by God's grace, and move on. A sigh of relief is breathed out, and we thank God we have a whole year before we have to participate in this terrible day again.

And then, IT happens! Only a month later, without any forewarning, Father's Day is here. Only this time we have not prepared! We are not ready for the flood of emotions and uncomfortableness that this day brings. For just like Mother's Day, it's a repeat. The fathers get to go through the lunch line first; the fathers open presents; the fathers take pictures with their children and their fathers. And we awkwardly stumble through the day as if smacked on the side of the head with the broad side of a board. What was that?, we ask. Why didn't we prepare ourselves? we inquire within. And we walk away bewildered, confused, and usually in tears.

Some days it feels like infertility only gets more difficult. I don't have any words of wisdom or great advice that will magically make everything okay. I do, however, keep hearing the words of a chorus sung at our church this past Sunday, on Father's Day:

I cling to Christ, and marvel at the cost:
Jesus forsaken, God estranged from God.
Bought by such love, my life is not my own.
My praise-my all-shall be for Christ alone. 

We cling to Christ. We know our lives are not our own. And our hope and praise is for Christ alone.

~Paige

In Good Company

Throughout our infertility journey, I have found comfort reflecting on women in the Bible who were also barren for a season. In studying these women, I found it interesting how their lives and their children's lives played a unique role in Biblical history, as they ultimately point us to Christ. 

Sarah

Sarah and Abraham received a specific promise from God that they would bear children who would make up a great nation. However, even with this specific promise, they struggled to wait, to trust, and to rest. They tried to obtain this promise on their own through deceit and a surrogate. Yet God was still gracious, despite their sin. After 25 years of waiting, Sarah gave birth to a son named Isaac who became part of the lineage of Christ (Genesis 21). 

Rebekah

Rebekah and Isaac longed for children and endured 20 years of infertility. While they did not receive a specific promise from God as Sarah and Abraham, Isaac prayed fervently for his wife and she gave birth to twin boys, Jacob and Esau. This story most clearly depicts God's plan for redeeming a people to Himself, to choose by grace and not merit, for Jacob He loved and Esau He hated. We also see how powerful prayer is in a believer's life and the importance of a praying husband. Rebekah and Isaac's son Jacob would give rise to the great nation promised to Abraham, and 12 of his sons would become the 12 tribes of Israel (Genesis 25). 

Rachel

Rachel's story is a painful one, with so much waiting and heartache. Rachel endures great anguish as she watches her sister Leah give birth to not only one, but six children. So hard! We learn many things from Rachel. We learn that the pain of infertility runs deep causing grief and depression. We learn the importance of ridding ourselves of idol worship and being satisfied in God alone. Rachel named her first child Joseph, meaning "give me another." Rachel then died in childbirth with her second son. But how merciful God is! Rachel's story shows us that despite our sin, our idol worship, and ugliness, He is still gracious to give us good gifts, even gifts we desire, that He may receive all the glory. Rachel's son, Joseph would later save His family, God's people, from famine and death (Genesis 30). 

Manoah's Wife

We are not given her name, but we know she was barren. The angel of the Lord visited her and proclaimed that though she was barren she would have a son and this son would begin to save the Israelites from the Philistines. The Israelites were in great distress after doing what was evil in the sight of the Lord and had been given over to the Philistines. Manoah's wife was also in great distress for she was barren and "bearest not." And God came to both Israel and Manoah's wife in their deepest affliction. Matthew Henry remarks, "God often sends comfort to His people very seasonably, when they feel most from their troubles." Manoah's son, Samson, was a type of Christ who came to deliver God's people, and again God used a once barren woman to bring relief to His people (Judges 13).

Hannah

Hannah. One of my favorites, and probably because God allows us to observe her struggles a little closer than the others. For some reason, God focuses the lens on Hannah's life for us, and this focus is beautiful. Hannah teaches us to be patient under affliction, to listen to our husbands, to be fervent in prayer, to heed reproof, to remain composed when persecuted, and to leave our sorrows with God. She did not harden herself in sadness and bitterness but entered the Throne of Grace, emotions and all, in prayer. We see again how difficult infertility truly is and we see God comforting His child as she cried out to him in desperation. We too, can cry out to God in distress, with raw emotions and openness. He will be there to answer, to comfort, and to heal. Hannah's son, Samuel, would become the last and greatest judge of Israel (1 Samuel 1). (Here is a sermon David recently preached on Hannah and her prayerful faith.) 

Elizabeth

Elizabeth and Zechariah were known as the Lord's ministers. They were faithful. They kept God's commands. They served. Their uprightness was evident in their speech, their love towards others, and their devotion to the Lord and His people. Yet they were childless. Elizabeth was barren and as they aged they began to despair. Zechariah was seen constantly at the temple in prayer, lifting up his heart to God. And it was here that the angel of the Lord appeared to him and revealed that his prayers had been heard and he would soon bear a son.

"Prayers of faith are filed in heaven, and are not forgotten, though the thing prayed for is not presently given in." Matthew Henry

Again, we see the importance and power of prayer to bring about the miracle of new life in the barren woman. Elizabeth's son, John the Baptist, would prepare the way of Lord (Luke 1).

God cares about the barren woman. He takes time to specifically speak about infertility in His Word. He makes it clear that He and He alone has the power to open and close the womb, and He does so for very unique purposes that display His glory. This gives me great peace, knowing God is in control and just as He could be trusted with the lives of the women in the Bible, He can be trusted with my life too. 

~ Paige

A Mother's Day Poem for the Non-Mother

I started this poem two Mother's Days ago and have been meaning to finish it ever since. But every time I've sat down to wrap it up, I find it difficult. Like emotionally difficult. So I'm posting it as is, without much of a conclusion. In some ways that just seems to fit our story anyway...still waiting to find the conclusion of our own life's infertility poem. 

~David

It's Mother's Day again today.

(My heart hurts for her.)

She's the one so put together 

From her feet up to her face

She's smiling 

She's hiding

Her desire to embrace 

A child

Her own 

To be a mother with a home.

It's Mother's Day again today.

(Always on a Sunday.)

She's the one so put together

But with tear lines on her face

She's smiling

She's striving

To not feel out of place

A mother

Not yet

But praying she'll be next.

 

It's Mother's Day again...

 

IVF: I'm Worried

I'm worried about my doctors appointments.
I'm worried about the medications.
I'm worried about being worried.

I'm worried about not getting pregnant.
I'm worried about getting pregnant.
I'm worried about being worried.

I'm worried about our finances, infertility is expensive.
I'm worried about investing in something that may yield no return.
I'm worried about being worried.

I'm worried about miscarrying or having an unhealthy baby.
I'm worried about what Google says, are those accurate statistics?
I'm worried about being worried.

I'm worried about David, is he eating the right things?
I'm worried about my diet, am I exercising enough?
I'm worried about being worried.

I'm worried about what people think.
I'm worried about doing the right thing, or the wrong thing.
I'm worried about being worried.

My anxieties are multiplying.
My emotions are out of control!

But then I came into your sanctuary,
Where you hold my right hand, where You guide me with your counsel,
And there my worries fade.

You remind me that You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
You draw near to me and I'm no longer worried about being worried.

You satisfy. You calm. You quiet. You restore.
I'm no longer worried about being worried.

Lord, Teach me to trust You, to keep my eyes on You, to hide beneath the shelter of Your wings.
Melt away my fears and my worries, turn my heart to You and You alone.

~ Paige

IVF: The Next Step in Our Journey

After much thought, prayer, and conversations with “a multitude of counselors” (Prov.11:14, 15:22), we have decided to pursue IVF as we continue trusting the Lord. 

IVF is an abbreviation for in vitro fertilization, a process in which an egg is removed and fertilized by the sperm outside the womb to then be transferred back into the uterus. (That’s the super-simplified version of it, at least!) The entire process—from a regimen of medications to the actual egg retrieval and fertilization to the transfer—will likely take a few months. Lord-willing, we should know by sometime in July whether or not God has answered our prayer for a pregnancy.

Please continue to join us in prayer. We NEED your prayers, and probably now more than ever. Here are a few specific prayer requests:

1. Pray that God will keep us from allowing our desire for children to become idolatry. It’s so easy for us to make a good thing a bad thing, isn’t it? We know that God has called childbearing good (Psalm 127), and while we desire this blessing for ourselves, we must not let it become the sole desire of our hearts. Since we first came to terms with our struggle infertility, we have sought to keep our eyes on Christ, our blessed hope and eternal joy. Please pray that we will persevere in resisting temptation and loving our Savior above all.
2. Pray that God will give us wisdom and discernment. Even as we have studied the science, sought counsel, prayed, and planned our way forward as best as we know how, there surely will be questions that will still arise even in the middle of this IVF process. “The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps” (Prov. 16:9). We see this specific medical means as a wisdom issue for us, and as such, we are dependent upon God for the continued wisdom to make the right decisions.
3. Pray that our doctor and his staff would see Christ in us. Our struggles aren’t meaningless. In fact, not only are they working for our good (Rom. 8:28) and preparing us for glory (2 Cor. 4:17), they are also an opportunity to be light to those around us (Matt. 5:16). Pray specifically for the salvation of Dr. Johnson, as well as the nurses, lab workers, and staff in his office.
4. Finally, pray that God will bless us with a child. So many of you have encouraged us over the past few years simply by praying for us. We look forward to the day that we can praise God with you for His goodness to us in answering our prayers for children. As Paul said in 2 Corinthians 1:11, “You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.” Please pray even now that God would not only open the womb, but also see fit to bless us with a safe pregnancy, a healthy child, and that He would save our future son or daughter at a young age. Our God can do all these things, and we entrust our lives to Him.

For those who have lifted us up in prayer before the throne of God's grace, we can’t thank you enough! May God receive all the glory.

Trusting Him,

David & Paige

Opening Up About Infertility: A Husband's Take

I'll admit: I never wanted to talk about it. I didn't even think to consider the possibility. Infertility? No way; not us!

I think they call that denial. Ya, I was there. For almost two years I denied the possibility of infertility. I didn't want the label. As the prideful man I am, I didn't want the stigma (...whatever that means). But reality hurts. Especially when doctors (plural) shared with us the reality of our situation packaged in official-sounding medical terms.

"Unexplained infertility."

The diagnosis was handed down like a judge issuing a guilty verdict. And like a defendant hearing the words pronounced with such authority, I immediately began planning my appeal: "We just need to try harder, more often...or pray more fervently...or take more vitamins...or get more sleep...or escape the stress and go on vacation...or, or..." I argued internally. As the prideful man I am, I didn't want the stigma; but as the prideful man I am, I needed the humility. And of course, God, the ultimate Judge over all, knew that.

After some slow learning (which seems to typify more than this one area of my life), I finally listened to my wife. She had been hinting, suggesting, and gently prodding for months that we open up about this to more people who were close to us. But up to that point I don't think we had told anyone outside of our immediate family that we were struggling to get pregnant. I still partly disbelieved and partly felt embarrassed. It was hard enough for me to open up and be so vulnerable with those who knew me best, even my own family. So why would I want to extend the circle of vulnerability any wider?

Meanwhile, with every passing doctors appointment, the internal struggle was growing. The pain was becoming more and more real for me. I couldn't just fix this area of my life as if it were a dent in the drywall. And as much as I hurt, I could see my wife hurting even more. That's probably what caused me to break. The emotional burden I was carrying on behalf of both of us was simply more than I could carry on my own.

In all of this, God was growing me in my dependence upon Him. And so we opened up.

Slowly we began telling those who were outside our immediate family but still near and dear to us. We started with our church elders. We met with them for a time of special prayer since they are those who "keep watch over our souls (Hebrews 13:17)." And as time went on, we were encouraged to hear from these men that they were praying for us regularly.

We continued widening the circle by telling close friends. We had a handful of dear friends - many of them almost like family to us - now praying for us regularly, texting us Bible verses, sending us encouraging notes. I began seeing the trend, the cause-and-effect relationship between the circumference of the circle and the amount of prayer and encouragement we received.

So we widened the circle further to include our church family. Now, I must admit, this was harder for me. Telling our church meant that a whole bunch more people who knew us well and who saw us at least once a week would know one of the most intimate things about our lives. (Or, that's at least how I thought about it.) And yes, even after opening up and asking our church body for prayer in this regard, there were those careless comments from well-meaning folks. But God has provided us the grace to grin and bear it knowing that this is simply a part of the character-building process. And ultimately, having our entire church praying for us has truly been a blessing of tremendous size. (More on this later.)

Finally, we've opened up to others outside of these circles; not necessarily strangers, per se, but acquaintances providentially placed in our path by God. In doing this God has given us various resources that we wouldn't have known about but for sharing our story with someone: doctor recommendations, treatment options, and just general education about this specific struggle. Most importantly, perhaps, we've had unique opportunities to share God's truth, with infertility acting as the conversation starter for something more meaningful. For example, I recently had a coworker - knowing what Paige and I are going through because I shared it - comment to me about how genuine my faith seems as I deal with this difficult trial. And so God has even used those outside our family, pastors, close friends, and church body to encourage us and glorify Himself. How humbling.  

Now, don't get me wrong: I still struggle with talking about this sometimes. By no means have I found victory over pride. (Is that even possible this side of glory??) It's hard. Maybe because infertility just isn't something you hear people talking about very publicly. But it's more common than realized. According to a Center for Disease Control study, 1 in 8 couples in the US have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. That's not an insignificant amount! And yet here I am still getting used to talking about such a common issue. May God provide me with the needed humility, grace, and strength, especially as I seek to lead my wife and be an example to others.

In another post I'll share some of the benefits that have come from opening up about infertility. But for now, if you're struggling with infertility - or any other trial of life - I encourage you to open up about it. And if you're a guy - a husband perhaps - get past any remaining denial, man up, and start sharing your struggle! Chances are, you can't fix it on your own. So get help! Humble yourself and ask others for prayer, and may the Lord grant you comfort and encouragement.

~David

Today I Cried in Front of My Boss.

I wrote the following thoughts after a difficult day at work last September. I didn't know at the time if I would ever publish it, but here goes...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

For right or for wrong, I have always tried to keep a wall of separation between my work life and my personal life. Today that wall came tumbling down. 

Today I cried in front of my boss at work. In a one-on-one meeting. Like cry cry - tears, snot, red eyes for the rest of the day. It was ugly!

If I listed all of the most embarrassing moments of my professional career in any job I've ever had, today's melodrama would sit at the top of that large heap of horrendous experiences.

Humbled. That's the best word I can find to describe it. Completely and miserably humbled. 

I suppose I needed that - both the cry and the humbling. More so the humbling, if I had to guess. The Lord knows how full of pride I am. Though I so often want to be perceived as the strong one, the unhurting human, the logical, emotionless rock, in reality I'm not any of those things. And despite my best efforts at pretending, I was painfully reminded of that truth today. 

How did God choose to show me both my sinful arrogance and my need for Him today? By letting me cry like a helpless baby in front of my boss.

I've run out of words for now. Maybe I'll close in prayer: "Dear Lord, Thank you...?"

~David