Another Holiday Season

We enter another holiday season with EMPTY HANDS. It sounds dramatic. We think of kids dying of hunger, women being abused, war in other countries, families in dire situations that we cannot even begin to understand, and we think, “Our circumstances do not even compare to what they may be going through. Why do we feel as though we are suffering similarly month after month?” But for us, this is our reality, our hurt, and our suffering. It cannot be compared. It’s a trial God has chosen just for us.

December is a difficult month, this year especially. We’ve heard 42 loud and clear “no’s” for 42 months of trying, and we are welcoming our fourth holiday season with no news of a pregnancy. More doctor’s visits then we can count, thousands of dollars, 3 IUI’s, ultrasounds, procedures, treatments—the circumstances seem HOPELESS for the outcome we desire. As time moves on, the multitude of “no’s” seem to overwhelm the possibility of a “yes,” and HOPE fades.

Thankfully, no matter what the outcome our circumstances will bring, our story will never end in HOPELESSNESS.

For during this holiday season, we are also reminded of the only HOPE, Christ. We are reminded of one who was long expected, the consolation and only HOPE of Israel. Israel, miserable and oppressed, waited for the Old Testament prophecy of Christ’s birth to be fulfilled for hundreds of years. Israel believed He would come and they waited; they desired His coming; they hoped for His coming.

We wait for Christ. Not as Israel waited for Christ, a promise yet to come. We wait for Christ, the prophecy fulfilled. He is our only hope. He is our only rest. He is the only longing of our hearts. And this December we remember Christ, and our hands our FULL.

Come, Thou long expected Jesus


Born to set Thy people free;


From our fears and sins release us,


Let us find our rest in Thee.


Israel’s Strength and Consolation,


Hope of all the earth Thou art;


Dear Desire of every nation,


Joy of every longing heart.

Born Thy people to deliver,


Born a child and yet a King,


Born to reign in us forever,


Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.


By Thine own eternal Spirit


Rule in all our hearts alone;


By Thine all sufficient merit,


Raise us to Thy glorious throne.

~Paige

Graduation Delayed

"Okay, Lord, I'm ready to graduate now!"

...That's what I found myself thinking recently as we awaited the news of another round of fertility treatment.

Truly, we've been learning so many lessons over the past 3+ years as we've struggled with infertility. And at some point recently I kind of hoped that I've learned all the lessons God has wanted to teach me through this trial; as if I've absorbed all of God's instruction for me. Somehow I mistakenly figured that it ought to be about time to move on to something else; the next chapter in God's textbook, a different set of lessons altogether (...parenting perhaps?). I guess I’ve unintentionally imagined that this struggle of ours has been like four years of college, and now I’m done with my formal studies and ready to receive my diploma and celebrate graduation.

But life is not that simple.

God’s will for us is not so limited.

His classes may last a lifetime.

In analyzing my thoughts through this, I've begun to realize the depth of my own sinful arrogance and finite ignorance. I find myself once again pushing and pushing my will upon His, instead of intentionally surrendering my will to His. And this by itself is a lesson I must continually learn -- to follow the example of our Savior and submit myself to the will of God.

While we may never officially graduate from God's school of suffering, the good news here is that Paige and I couldn't ask for a better, more wise, more loving Teacher. Our Divine Instructor knows our sins and weaknesses, and He gives us everything we need for all of life -- physically and spiritually. Even the difficult lessons that seem unlearnable and the terrible adversities that seem unconquerable -- even they are intended for our good. 

  

I recently stumbled across these words of Hudson Taylor, and they sum up the matter perfectly:

"Ill that God blesses is our good

And unblest good is ill.

And all is right that seems most wrong

If it be his sweet will."

~David

Lessons Learned (and Learning...)

I've slowly been trying to put into very simple words the various lessons God has been teaching us through our journey in infertility. I think of it like this: If infertility were a school, these would be the class names and lesson titles in which we are studying and learning. The list I've been compiling is in no way exhaustive, but it begins to at least give an idea of the diversity of subjects upon which God has been lecturing and examining us. And as we work our way through our years at the school of infertility, we know that our Divine Headmaster surely has many more classes and lessons prepared for us...

God is Loving

God is Sovereign

The Silence of God

Waiting Upon the Lord

Dealing with Worry/Anxiety

Trusting the Lord

The Importance of Prayer

The Benefits of Prayer

The Importance of God's Word

The Encouragement from God's Word

Counseling Ourselves

Counseling One Another

Loving One Another

The Importance of the Local Church Family

The Importance of Corporate Prayer Meetings

God's Providence

The Encouragement from Answered Prayers

God Works Everything Out for Our Good and His Glory

Worship

The Benefits of Intimate Friendships

The Danger of Sin

God Disciplines Those He Loves

The Option of Adoption

Children Are a Blessing from the Lord

Be Grateful for What We Have

Contentment in Christ

Suffering

The Mystery of God's Will

Joy at All Times

God Uses Human Means

God Wants Us to Lean on Each Other

Beware of Idolatry

Bearing One Another's Burdens

Iron Sharpens Iron

Growing in Faith

Patience

Sadness

~David  

A Family of Two

"So when are you going to start a family?"

"What do you mean?...We already did; over 9 years ago, actually!"

It really is a harmless question, and not one to which we really take offense. But it's a question based on the false pretense that a family begins with children. But in fact, if we travel back to remember the first family unit, we should acknowledge that it existed before either Cain or Abel were born to Adam and Eve. God set Adam in the garden and He gave him a wife. Once God had created Eve, He had created the first family unit.

Society - even our religious society subset - has defined for us what the family is. A simple web search of "the definition of a family" pulls the following result: "a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household." But I would argue from Genesis that a family is, at its foundation, the marriage of a man and a woman. Of course a family can easily be defined as more than this; but it should never be defined as less than this.

It is the marriage relationship that creates a family. As the husband, I am the head of my household; my family. Were God never to grant to me and Paige children, I am still the head of my home and the spiritual leader of my family of two. Just as God held Adam responsible for the sins of his family - his wife and himself (as well as all of his descendants) - there will come a day when I too will be held accountable before God for how I led my family, even if that is just me and my wife.

Maybe it's semantics. I'm okay with admitting that. But words have meaning, and especially in the context of a couple struggling with infertility, the idea of a "family" begins - and sometimes even ends - with only two.

Food for thought.

~David

"Not Pregnant"

The words on the little plastic stick simply confirmed a continuation of the reality we’ve known for the past 3 years and 4 months. The state of "Not Pregnant" has been the only state we’ve ever experienced. We are all-too-familiar with this status; familiar, but again disappointed at a very deep, emotional level.

Fueling the disappointment this time was the increased expectation. Though we tried to mentally fight against the gleeful thoughts of a different, happier potential outcome, the quiet optimism proved too difficult to squelch completely.

The procedure had been simple; it seemed so hassle-free, so straight-forward. No red lights; no closed doors. Physically, everything seemed to be in order. Was this the light of God’s blessing shining down upon us? The doctor smiled at us as if conception was a foregone conclusion. But as we are still learning,

Pregnancy is never a foregone conclusion with God.

Deep inside us—in that very intimate place where one would expect life to begin—there is an emptiness that we can only fill with hope. What else fits that void but a kind of faith-filled expectation? In our painful times of waiting and wrestling, we find our watery eyes taking focus and seeing Someone Who knows our griefs because He Himself has experienced greater griefs than we can ever imagine. It’s only that vision through eyes of faith—granted by grace—that causes us to hope.

God has already written our story, and we have the privilege of reading it one day at a time. This current chapter of our lives contains more sadness than previous chapters, but we look forward to the unknown plot turns in the coming chapters. We anticipate the future because God is the Author, and the Author is Love.

While God has never promised us a biological child, He has already fulfilled in providing us His only child: our Savior, Jesus. And in remembering that fact we have already learned a most important truth:

Love for His children is always a foregone conclusion with God.

~David

Today...and Tomorrow

Today was a big day for us! 

But before I share about our exciting day, let me back up and provide some context…

Context

Between the two of us, Paige and I have seen at least five different doctors over the past 3 years, three of them specializing in fertility treatments. We have now paid out of our own pockets a few thousand dollars worth of medical expenses that were not covered by insurance. Some of that included the costs of simple consultations, while other expenses were incurred through more involved testing and medical procedures. Today, we are praying, that all of the time and expense we have invested may produce a return.

All of this effort over the past few years has been in order to obtain what we desire but lack: a biological child of our own. God has shown us in His Word how children are a blessing from His hand, and it has always been our heart's desire to experience that blessing of God firsthand—to be parents. It seems like such a simple desire; maybe even a silly desire to some who have been able to procreate with little knowledge or effort. But for us, parenthood has been something we have earnestly sought after—through prayers, tears, doctors visits, and financial transactions. But parenthood has thus far evaded us. 

In all of this, we have come to clearly perceive God’s will for us: 

Wait. 

Trust. 

Pray. 

Obey.

And these things we have aimed to do with joyful contentment in our silent suffering and full resignation upon the perfect timing of God and His providence. 

But today we have come closer to parenthood than ever before. Thus, today was a big day for us.

Today

When Dr. Johnson knocked and then stepped into the small room, he was smiling. This is one of the small but important differences between Dr. Johnson and the previous two fertility doctors we had seen: He had empathy. He seemed to genuinely feel our pain. And while he never promised to fix it, he was hopeful. God used him to give us new hope amid the fog of this tiresome affliction. He told us what we had already heard before—“There’s nothing wrong with either of you”—but he told us with a grin, not a frown. And today the data on our charts and the images on the ultrasound screen caused our doctor to walk into the room with a smile. And because of this, we smiled. 

The IUI procedure was relatively quick—and harmless, as Paige has assured me. I think we were there for less than an hour, and from what we could tell, God seemed to bless the experience. At least He gave us a peace about it; and an extra dose of faith-filled anticipation.  

    

Tomorrow

Granted—even with the wonderful experience that we had today; even with the smooth and problem-free procedure in the doctor’s office; even with the able-mindedness of the doctor and all of the bio-medical technology that goes into Artificial Insemination; even with the hopes of our family and the prayers of our church—we don’t know whether or not we will get pregnant through this. 

But God knows.

And because of our personal knowledge of a sovereign God Who knows all things because He has decreed all things and does all things perfectly and with love for His children, we hope and pray on.


~David

At the Altar

Growing up, some my most memorable moments happened at church. I grew up in a church that placed a strong emphasis on prayer and every service ended with a time at the altar. I remember many times we would pray together as a family at the altar. Other times, it would be a time of personal devotion and prayer. And sometimes it was a place where we knelt with others to lift our praises and requests to the Lord.

I grew to love these times of sweet communion with the Lord and with other believers. I loved to hear the voices of the saints praying different prayers all to the same God. What a neat experience to hear people pray aloud, all at the same time, and knowing God can hear each and every prayer! I vividly remember my great aunt crying out to the Lord and naming her grandchildren one by one, praying for their salvation while she played piano for the service. Another time, I remember kneeling with my mother as she prayed for God’s presence, healing, and His guidance as tears streamed down her face. I remember my dad frequently leading the congregation in praise and worship while people prayed, listening to his voice as he sang the hymns and spiritual songs, encouraging the congregation to draw close to the Lord as He draws near to us. I remember the leaders of the church praying for individual needs while anointing with oil and laying hands on them as James 5:14 outlines.

During this time of waiting, I often reflect on and long for those times at the altar….Times of confession, consecration, change, communion with the saints, and healing.  I am thankful for both times of corporate prayer and times of personal worship. I pray these continue in both times of harvest and want.

Prayer and praise are the oars by which a man may row his boat into the deep waters of the knowledge of Christ. - Charles Spurgeon

When we work, we work. When we pray, God works. - Hudson Taylor

The best style of prayer is that which cannot be called anything else but a cry. - Charles Spurgeon

Most memorable lyrics from times at the altar:

What a healing, Jesus, I found in you
What a healing Jesus, you restore, refresh and renew
You're my healing Jesus, for such a time as this
Arise on healing wings, Son of Righteousness.

In the presence of Jehovah
God Almighty, Prince of Peace,
Troubles vanish, hearts are mended
In the presence of the King.

In His presence
In His holy presence
The weary can find perfect rest
The broken are restored
In His presence
In His holy presence
There's nothing like the presence of the Lord.

~Paige

Life's Technical Difficulties

I pressed POWER and waited for the newly-installed satellite TV to turn on. After a long day of work, I was expecting to kick my feet up and watch some Mythbusters, or something like it. But instead of my beloved Discovery Channel, an error message appeared on the screen. I turned the unit off and on again, but nothing but the error message and technical support number flashed on the screen. My expectations of relaxing mindlessly in front of the tube were now delayed. How annoying.

I picked up the phone and called the toll-free number. I couldn't fix the problem myself, so what other options did I have? Since it was well after normal business hours, I didn’t know if I would speak to an actual person. Fortunately, though, I was able to get a human on the line to help me troubleshoot the problem. Five minutes, max, is about how long it took for the voice on the other end of the phone to walk me through resetting my satellite receiver and restoring a quality picture and sound to my television. I flipped to my favorite channel, sat back, and my expectations of relaxation were realized.

Whenever life's reality falls short on my expectations, I become quickly annoyed and upset. Even though my life seems perfect compared to the rest of the world, I still look around and wish my life were as painless as my neighbors' appears to be. Sure I have a beautiful wife, a loving family, great friends, a steady job, a big house, two vehicles, and a clean bill of health; but I'm still frustrated about the one area of my life that is not working like it's supposed to. I'm not referring to a slow internet connection or a poor picture on my high-def TV. I'm referring to procreation.

In the case of infertility, when things aren't working the way they're supposed to, everything in me wants a simple solution to the problem. I find myself dumbfounded. I don't like being without answers; I want to know the process for quick and efficient problem resolution.

When biology doesn't seem to work as it's supposed to, we go to doctors--our technical support. They test and observe and re-test. They diagnose the problem to the best of their abilities, but their answer is that they have no answer. Medical science, as we know it today, has no answer. So with guidance from the specialist, we begin to troubleshoot. We expend time and money and emotional energy attempting to overcome the biological error code. But it's an arduous process of elimination, seemingly little more than guesswork.

Sometimes I just want a quick fix to the technical difficulties of life. I find myself calling on God asking Him to manually reset the situation.  "FIX IT!" I cry out in desperate prayers. "You're in control...You've got the power...Just press the button - pull the lever - flip the switch - open the door already!"

Impatience is never helpful. But it's a part of my sin-stained flesh. I don't want to wait for the fix. It should be done...yesterday. It's my life, so it's my timetable.

But that's where I'm wrong -- on both points.

"But as for me, behold, I am in your hands. Do with me as seems good and right to you." Jeremiah 26:14

It's not my life; it's not even my timetable.

"The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord.

The Lord has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:1,4,9

My life is in His hands, and He holds the clock.

"...Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." Matthew 6:10

Therefore, what choice do I have but to sit and wait for the Divine Technician and Great Physician to carry out His will in my life?

In truth, what other choice would I want??

"Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:23-26

~David

Careless Words, Caring Hearts

In the almost nine years since our wedding day, I think we’ve heard it all:

“What’s taking you guys so long?"
“Don’t you know how these things work?”
“You’re next!”
“Your parents want grandchildren.”
“Are you afraid of kids, or something?”
“Everybody else is doing it…”

You may think I’m making some of these up, but I can assure you I’m not. My wife and I have heard these comments—or comments very akin to these—at various times throughout our marriage. What the commenters have neglected to consider, however, is the possibility that we, like thousands of other married couples, may be struggling with infertility issues.

Dumb, careless, rude, unthoughtful, unloving--Instinctively, these are the accusing words that come to my mind when I've received these words from others. "Who do you think you are?...What do you know?...What gives you the right to pry into our personal lives?...Mind your own business!...."  While I've never replied this way verbally, I've wanted to. Even still I find myself justifying my thoughts: "Well, it ISN'T anyone's business." That might be true, but it's an accusatory, short-sighted view I take of others who might simply be using a poor choice of words at a difficult time in our lives to ask us a personal, heart-felt question.

Comments like the above rarely originate from mean spiritedness or cruel intentions. No, instead, they are often rooted in goodwill and are meant to encourage rather than disparage. We've had to remind ourselves of this often. We haven't been perfect in this regard. Infertility is largely a silent struggle for couples. Few people know or understand the emotional, psychological pains that come with this affliction. Dealing with this trial ourselves has caused us to be hyper-sensitive to the topic of children-bearing. So of course we have been tempted to sin--and we have sinned in our hearts by becoming angry or bitter or resentful--when tactless or ill-timed comments  have been directed at us. Thus we have had to do our fair share of repenting and praying for God's peace to guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:7).

The church is a body of imperfect parts. That includes us. This is the perspective we must possess when people make offhanded remarks and comments that unknowingly hurt us. Sadly, I can’t count all of the foot-in-mouth moments I’ve experienced where I unintentionally hurt or embarrassed someone. And I have to remember that when I am the recipient of those comments from others.

Still, I think these moments provide a lesson for all of us to learn: Be careful with your words. It’s a constant battle: managing our thoughts before they become words. For me, I have to tell myself, “When in doubt, keep your mouth shut!” (Prov. 17:28). Of course, because of sin and pride, I don’t always listen to my conscience; thus, my tongue inevitably loosens (James 3:5) and it gets me into trouble (Prov. 12:18).

God has much to say about the power of the tongue and the words we say. Here’s just a small sampling of verses that continually admonish me:

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29

“When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” Proverbs 10:9

“Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.” Proverbs 21:23

“So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire!” James 3:5

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18

“Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” Proverbs 17:28

“Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!” Psalm 141:3

As Christians, we must heed the words of God and keep a careful watch on our words, because where there are many, sin is not far off (Proverbs 10:9). Similarly, we need to guard our mouths against unnecessarily offending our neighbors. While there’s a time and place for tough love through honest conversation about difficult issues, we certainly don’t need to be needlessly causing offense.


I offer this post as a message I'm preaching to myself often. I need to heed my own words about words. I need to watch what I say and put a careful guard on what John Bunyan refers to as "Mouth-gate" of the "Town of Mansoul." And when others speak to me carelessly, I need to pause before being offended and remember that careless words do not necessarily flow out of uncaring hearts. May God gives us all more love for each other, and may that love be demonstrated by what we say--and sometimes by what we don't say.

~David

Of Parents & Grandparents

I can’t remember the last time we all sat in front of the television and laughed together into the early hours of the morning. That is until this past Christmas when watching home movies with the in-laws during in Kansas provided hours of entertainment for the whole family. We watched as baby Paige captivated her parents’ attention. We laughed at sweet Morgan’s interaction with her big sister. And we rooted on as little Drew took his first steps, fell down, and picked himself up again. But none of these precious moments would be recorded without parents who were involved and invested deeply in their children’s lives from day one.

I am so thankful for the parents God gave to both me and Paige. What I see through these home movies, and memories of my own home life, is parents who love, teach, encourage, and correct their children. Most importantly, I see them pointing their children to Jesus. This is why all of their children know Christ in a personal, saving way today: Because God used these two sets of parents to bring young sinners to faith in Jesus. 

 

Another thought came to mind as I reflected on those decades-old videos: Our parents will make amazing grandparents.

 

There's the old schoolyard rhyme that most of us recall: 

"...First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage"

Isn’t that the natural order of things? Years ago our grandparents married and had our parents. They raised them, married them off, and our parents had us. Our parents cared for us and then married us off. So now it’s our turn. Right?

All in God's timing.

I can't wait for God to bless us with children and simultaneously bless our parents with grandchildren. I know how deeply they would love grandchildren. While both sets of our parents are so caring and patient and sensitive to our present situation, it doesn't change the fact that they would love to be grandparents today if the Lord would bless them that way. And until then, we are thankful for parents who suffer with us, who truly put empathy into practice as they pray and encourage and point us to Jesus. Even still.

~ David