Holidays Are Hard

Holidays are hard. And they sometimes sneak up on us. We don't expect them to be hard. We look forward to them. We plan for them. We decorate. We make a side dish. We look forward to time with family. The holiday arrives. We are excited to see family and friends, eat good food, and engage in the festivities. We enjoy the day.

And yet there is something there, an underlying nagging, a twinge of pain. All day, we work to push it aside, but it remains. We celebrate. We participate in the day. We love the conversation, the laughs, the fun. Yet at the end of the day, when all is done, we just want to cry. The underlying nagging, that twinge of pain takes over and the tears flow. And we think, "where is this coming from?" We think, "this day was wonderful and we had such a beautiful time...how could we feel so lonely and sad?"

But as a good friend reminded me today, those feelings were really always there; they are a part of grief. And that's okay. It's okay to be sad and to hurt and to cry.

But how do we respond to these feelings? Do we act out in anger? Do we become impatient with others? Do we allow bitterness to take hold? Do we resent others who have what we desire and in turn isolate ourselves from them?....Or do we look to Christ, the Incarnate God? Do we see His hand in all these things? Do we reflect on the true meaning of the holiday we are celebrating?

So on this day, the day after Thanksgiving, I will choose to give thanks to God in every circumstance. Are there still tears? Yes! But in the sadness, I'm reminded there can also be true joy and thankfulness. For our joy is only in Him. He is the true reason for the gratitude found deep in our hearts.

Happy Thanksgiving!

One more thing...

I found the following excerpt on a blog called The Carry Camp. It briefly explains well the feelings that come with infertility on a holiday, so I wanted to share. Hope it's helpful!

Be sensitive on holidays: Mother’s Day hurts. Christmas finds us wishing we had a little one to watch unwrap gifts. Thanksgiving brings about those feelings of, “I thought for sure we’d have an announcement to make by this year,” birthdays remind us that another year has passed without a baby, and on it goes. Please be extra sensitive and aware on holidays. We desperately want to enjoy family time and have fun celebrating, but sometimes our emotions get the best of us. You can show you care by giving us extra grace. A pat on the back, an extra long hug, or just some kind words go a long way. Holidays aren’t necessarily the best time to ask if we’re okay because we don’t really want to dissolve into a puddle of tears in front of the whole family. But they are a good time to schedule that coffee date.

~Paige

The Benefits of Childlessness: Money

This post is part of an on-going series on the Blessings of Childlessness. For an introduction to the series, click here. So far we've looked at Marriage and Ministry as areas of God's blessings to childless couples. The third and final area I want to consider is Money.

Paige and I entered into our marriage relationship with nothing. Errr—scratch that. We had debt. I guess debt is something.

We learned many important lessons about money and financial stewardship early in our married life. Unfortunately, like many young couples, we had to learn some of those lessons the hard way—through job difficulties, credit card balances, car payments, etc. Still we are no experts in money matters, but God has taught us through the difficult experiences and He’s surrounded us with a multitude of wise counselors (Proverbs 11:14, 15:22).

Since early in our marriage, God has blessed us both with stable, long-standing employment. God has seen fit—according to His good and perfect will—to bless Paige and I with jobs that not only pay the bills, but are enjoyable and personally fulfilling. In our positions at work, as we've sought to labor heartily as for the Lord and not for men, we have both received financial blessings from God through promotions and new opportunities over the years. Through the means of regular, rewarding employment, God has provided for us financially. We acknowledge that and give Him all the praise. And as an obedient response to the Lord's generosity toward us, we are called to be good stewards of what we've been given. Furthermore, I believe stewardship falls into these categories which I will unpack below: Wise investments, good & proper uses, generosity to the local church, and generosity to others.

Wise Investment: Minimizing Debt & Investing Long-term

(Full disclosure: We are not 100% debt-free. It's a goal we hope to someday realize, but it is not a present reality.)

From what I hear, children are expensive little blessings. Not having children actually deletes a number of line items from the expense sheet of our household budget. And so we recognize as a benefit of childlessness the ability to use the money that other families may spend on baby furniture, clothes, accessories, food, diapers, etc. to pay down debt and invest in the future.

Are we financially independent? No. But we are comfortable and content. We have been able to pay cash for both of our [used] cars, some major expenses (a new computer, tablet, backyard landscaping, etc.), and some extended vacations. A couple of years ago we were able to build a beautiful new home that is quite large for our current family size. And we were able to purchase this home without having to sell our previous home. In many ways, it's our dream home and we plan to be here for many years. We see it as a long-term investment. Already, we have been able to use the home God has given us to show hospitality to our church family, our unsaved neighbors, and currently to Paige's brother who is living with us while he goes to college.

In making big, important, money-related decisions like those listed above, we try to answer three basic questions:

1.) Is this a good and proper use?

2.) Is this a potential investment? (In other words, will this pay for itself or generate future income?)

3.) Can we do this without a loan or any other form of indebtedness?

If the answer to #1 is no, than obviously we shouldn't do it. If the answer to #2 is yes, then we will most likely move forward; if the answer is no, then we may or may not move froward, depending on what it is. (For instance, while it may be a good and proper use, it's difficult for a vacation to pay for itself. But we will not go into debt to take a vacation; that's what a savings fund is for!) If the answer to #3 is no, then we will most likely steer clear. (One of the only exceptions we've allowed for this rule is the purchase of real estate.)

I recognize that this is all very basic and many families with children do similar with their finances. But the reason I outline this here is because we believe that it's extremely important for us to be diligent with our money in these days without children so that if God one day fills our house with little, expensive blessings, we will be as equipped as we can be financially-speaking.

Quality Time

I once had a coworker who was older than me by about 10 years and married with 2 kids. More than a few times he sought to persuade me to invest in "things." He called them "toys"--a new truck, dirt bikes and ATVs, jet skis, even a boat. While I love the outdoors and wouldn't mind owning a few of those "toys," Paige and I long ago made a conscious decision as a family to spend our money on making memories and not filling our house with "toys." For us, quality time together has been one of married life's most precious rewards.

There are many ways a married couple can spend quality time together. While a couple can get creative and do dozens of different activities relatively inexpensively, the unfortunate reality is that many enjoyable activities cost a pretty penny. Travel, spontaneous date nights, fancy dinners, sporting events, concerts & plays--we've been able to enjoy many of these pleasures of life without having to worry too much about the cost...or finding a babysitter. And so we recognize that one of the benefits of childlessness for us is using our money to invest in spending time with each other. And for us, time with each other also includes time together in church on Sundays and investing in the church's ministry.

Generosity to the Local Church

As I mentioned in the last post, I think that investing in the ministry of the local church is essential for healthy Christian living.

In his book, What Is A Healthy Church Member?, Thabiti Anyabwile explains that, for one, a healthy church member is a committed church member. And one of the ways a committed church member shows his commitment is by financially supporting the work of the local church ministry. Pastor Anyabwile writes, "He should follow the example of the Macedonians, who committed to a financial strategy that was sacrificial, generous, increasing over time, and fueled by faith in God despite present circumstances (2 Cor. 8-9)." Indeed, financial generosity to Christ's church should be of utmost importance for the believer.

Generosity to Others

Finally, not having children of our own has given us greater freedom to bless others. This has taken a variety of forms at different times throughout our marriage. Sometimes it might be donating to a friends' children's educational expenses; or maybe it's supporting a cause that's important to us; or sometimes it's just helping a fellow Christian in need.

I can think of one widow friend of ours who has exemplified this kind of unassuming generosity toward others for many years. She is extremely financially responsible, but she is also quite open-handed and helpful in times of need. She and others like her have been examples to us of what Paul quotes Jesus as saying in Acts 20:35, "It is more blessed to give than receive."

While we prayerfully wait to receive God's blessing of children--should that be His will for us--childless couples like us do well to remember that there is great joy in cheerful, open-handed giving.

~David

Sweet Comfort

2 Corinthians 1:3-7-Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Oh what comfort when fellow believers comfort us with the comfort they have received from God! I have been overwhelmed with this comfort. It is so beautifully displayed within our own church body week after week at Grace Covenant Church. For not a week goes by without a word of encouragement, a prayer, a hug, a card, a text, or an email from a dear one in Christ to encourage me. From lunch dates to hiking adventures, I am humbled by the love of Christ that shines through others.

Even more than that, my dear sisters in Christ are willing to be completely vulnerable and truly mourn with me when I need them most. How freeing to let go and cry with others who meet me where I am, who are willing to share in my pain and heartbreak, who understand, who have been there, who truly feel what I feel and walk with me through deep waters all while pointing me to Christ and the hope we have in Him. What peace and rest this brings to my restless, lonely, and hopeless-feeling heart!

There's something special about the body of Christ and specifically Grace Covenant! What a glimpse of heaven.

~Paige