Opening Up About Infertility: A Husband's Take

I'll admit: I never wanted to talk about it. I didn't even think to consider the possibility. Infertility? No way; not us!

I think they call that denial. Ya, I was there. For almost two years I denied the possibility of infertility. I didn't want the label. As the prideful man I am, I didn't want the stigma (...whatever that means). But reality hurts. Especially when doctors (plural) shared with us the reality of our situation packaged in official-sounding medical terms.

"Unexplained infertility."

The diagnosis was handed down like a judge issuing a guilty verdict. And like a defendant hearing the words pronounced with such authority, I immediately began planning my appeal: "We just need to try harder, more often...or pray more fervently...or take more vitamins...or get more sleep...or escape the stress and go on vacation...or, or..." I argued internally. As the prideful man I am, I didn't want the stigma; but as the prideful man I am, I needed the humility. And of course, God, the ultimate Judge over all, knew that.

After some slow learning (which seems to typify more than this one area of my life), I finally listened to my wife. She had been hinting, suggesting, and gently prodding for months that we open up about this to more people who were close to us. But up to that point I don't think we had told anyone outside of our immediate family that we were struggling to get pregnant. I still partly disbelieved and partly felt embarrassed. It was hard enough for me to open up and be so vulnerable with those who knew me best, even my own family. So why would I want to extend the circle of vulnerability any wider?

Meanwhile, with every passing doctors appointment, the internal struggle was growing. The pain was becoming more and more real for me. I couldn't just fix this area of my life as if it were a dent in the drywall. And as much as I hurt, I could see my wife hurting even more. That's probably what caused me to break. The emotional burden I was carrying on behalf of both of us was simply more than I could carry on my own.

In all of this, God was growing me in my dependence upon Him. And so we opened up.

Slowly we began telling those who were outside our immediate family but still near and dear to us. We started with our church elders. We met with them for a time of special prayer since they are those who "keep watch over our souls (Hebrews 13:17)." And as time went on, we were encouraged to hear from these men that they were praying for us regularly.

We continued widening the circle by telling close friends. We had a handful of dear friends - many of them almost like family to us - now praying for us regularly, texting us Bible verses, sending us encouraging notes. I began seeing the trend, the cause-and-effect relationship between the circumference of the circle and the amount of prayer and encouragement we received.

So we widened the circle further to include our church family. Now, I must admit, this was harder for me. Telling our church meant that a whole bunch more people who knew us well and who saw us at least once a week would know one of the most intimate things about our lives. (Or, that's at least how I thought about it.) And yes, even after opening up and asking our church body for prayer in this regard, there were those careless comments from well-meaning folks. But God has provided us the grace to grin and bear it knowing that this is simply a part of the character-building process. And ultimately, having our entire church praying for us has truly been a blessing of tremendous size. (More on this later.)

Finally, we've opened up to others outside of these circles; not necessarily strangers, per se, but acquaintances providentially placed in our path by God. In doing this God has given us various resources that we wouldn't have known about but for sharing our story with someone: doctor recommendations, treatment options, and just general education about this specific struggle. Most importantly, perhaps, we've had unique opportunities to share God's truth, with infertility acting as the conversation starter for something more meaningful. For example, I recently had a coworker - knowing what Paige and I are going through because I shared it - comment to me about how genuine my faith seems as I deal with this difficult trial. And so God has even used those outside our family, pastors, close friends, and church body to encourage us and glorify Himself. How humbling.  

Now, don't get me wrong: I still struggle with talking about this sometimes. By no means have I found victory over pride. (Is that even possible this side of glory??) It's hard. Maybe because infertility just isn't something you hear people talking about very publicly. But it's more common than realized. According to a Center for Disease Control study, 1 in 8 couples in the US have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. That's not an insignificant amount! And yet here I am still getting used to talking about such a common issue. May God provide me with the needed humility, grace, and strength, especially as I seek to lead my wife and be an example to others.

In another post I'll share some of the benefits that have come from opening up about infertility. But for now, if you're struggling with infertility - or any other trial of life - I encourage you to open up about it. And if you're a guy - a husband perhaps - get past any remaining denial, man up, and start sharing your struggle! Chances are, you can't fix it on your own. So get help! Humble yourself and ask others for prayer, and may the Lord grant you comfort and encouragement.

~David

Today I Cried in Front of My Boss.

I wrote the following thoughts after a difficult day at work last September. I didn't know at the time if I would ever publish it, but here goes...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

For right or for wrong, I have always tried to keep a wall of separation between my work life and my personal life. Today that wall came tumbling down. 

Today I cried in front of my boss at work. In a one-on-one meeting. Like cry cry - tears, snot, red eyes for the rest of the day. It was ugly!

If I listed all of the most embarrassing moments of my professional career in any job I've ever had, today's melodrama would sit at the top of that large heap of horrendous experiences.

Humbled. That's the best word I can find to describe it. Completely and miserably humbled. 

I suppose I needed that - both the cry and the humbling. More so the humbling, if I had to guess. The Lord knows how full of pride I am. Though I so often want to be perceived as the strong one, the unhurting human, the logical, emotionless rock, in reality I'm not any of those things. And despite my best efforts at pretending, I was painfully reminded of that truth today. 

How did God choose to show me both my sinful arrogance and my need for Him today? By letting me cry like a helpless baby in front of my boss.

I've run out of words for now. Maybe I'll close in prayer: "Dear Lord, Thank you...?"

~David

The Benefits of Childlessness: Final Thoughts

In this short series of posts, I have sought to show three areas of life where childless couples can see the blessings of God, even in their childlessness: Marriage, Ministry, and Money. I have intended to write these thoughts as an encouragement to people like us who are struggling—or have struggled—with infertility.

If nothing else, I have sought to bring perspective.

Paige and I have some dear friends who recently reminded us of something critical to our spiritual well-being: Though we don't have children, we have so much already. This is such a helpful perspective.

Before I continue, though, let me put this plainly: Perspective does not remove the hurt. It only tempers the pain.

I mention this disclaimer because sometimes I think that when others make comments like "It could be worse," or "At least you have [a cute dog/big house/nice car/nieces and nephews/etc.]!" or "Aren't you glad you aren't struggling with a terminal disease like he/she is?..." they expect us then to be rid of all the hurt and be filled with good cheer. But in my experience, that's a false expectation. Perspective doesn't work that way.

Perspective simply serves to help us take our eyes off of ourselves, if even for a moment. And this is good for us mentally, emotionally, and most of all, spiritually. Consider these examples of perspective from the Bible:

The Psalmist Asaph, in Psalm 73, was given perspective from God when he went into the sanctuary and then discerned the Lord's judgment on the wicked and mercy upon the righteous.

And in 2 Corinthians 4:8, 9 & 16-18, the Apostle Paul acknowledges our affliction, discouragement, persecution, and physical deterioration; but he continues to provide long-term, Christ-centered perspective for his readers:

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" (2 Cor. 4:16-18).

And Paul again provides a more personal perspective on his life--and by extension, our own lives--in Philippians 3:7-9 writes,

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith..."

Truly, that perspective of Paul's which comes only by the power of the Holy Spirit working sanctifyingly in our loves through the Word of Christ, helps us count all of our wins and losses as "rubbish" when compared to our salvation in Christ. That above all else is the perspective we need to maintain throughout life.

Indeed, one thing we've sought to do during our days of internal struggle is to remind ourselves of God's abundant blessings in our lives. Instead of focusing our attention on the one thing we don't have, we've aimed to regularly take inventory of all that we do have, according to God's goodness.

Here's a sampling of our perspective on our life without children:

• We have our family of two: over 14 years of close friendship, 10+ years of marriage, and a deep love for each other rooted in our relationships with Christ.
• We have our parents and grandparents who have raised us in the fear and admonition of the Lord and have set the example of living for Christ.
• We have close relationships with our siblings who love the Lord and are walking with Him daily. 
• We have our church family through which we are shown love, taught truth, and held accountable. 
• We have friends--old and new--who encourage us in Christ and walk with us through both our sorrow and our joy.
• We have a beautiful house in a friendly community; two happy dogs; two working vehicles; careers we enjoy; money in the bank; food on the table; and healthy bodies with strength to serve the Lord and others. 
• But most of all, we have the gift of eternal salvation through the righteousness of Jesus Christ. What greater blessing could we ever ask for than to know Christ and Him crucified?!

I don't know if these posts on the Benefits of Childlessness have been encouraging to others, but it has certainly been encouraging to us to meditate upon the blessings of God in our lives, even while we wait for the blessing of children. May God receive the glory!

~ David

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

The fact that life is hard was not a surprise to us when we entered adulthood.

Our parents—always honest, always loving—prepared us early in life for the difficult times ahead. Just as a conscientious mother dresses her son in a warm jacket, hat, and boots before letting him go out and play in the snow, so our parents prepared us for the dark, frigid days that we would face in adulthood. After fastening our feet with trust in a loving and sovereign God, our parents capped our heads with a biblical worldview, wrapped us in prayers, and sent us into the cold world outside.

Almost a decade-and-a-half later, a full 10-plus years in the world of grown-up life, Paige and I find ourselves continually grateful for the ways our parents prepared us for the bitter days of life's winters.

"Trust in the Lord," they would say with a smile.
"God is good," they would encourage. 

"It builds character," they would remind.

But the best thing our parents ever told us was that we were sinners in need of a Savior. 

By showing us Christ—in both Gospel words and their examples of Christlike-living—they gave us the greatest gift a parent could ever give their child. They gave us the Words of Life. 

God saved both Paige and I through our parents' ministry to us in the home—through their prayers, their tears, and their words of Truth. They told us that life wouldn't be a walk in the park, and they were right. But they best prepared us for that reality by introducing us to Jesus Whose yoke is easy and Whose burden is light. 

And by looking to Jesus through eyes of faith, given to us undeserving sinners by a God of abundant grace, we recognize that our suffering in this world is nothing compared to Christ's suffering on our behalf at the cross of Calvary. Because He suffered for us, our suffering is "light and momentary," as Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:17, and it is preparing us for a glorious eternity with our Savior.     

So we thank the Lord for giving us parents who prepared us for the difficult days of life. And most of all, we thank God for giving us Jesus Christ, our eternal Hope.

~David

Holidays Are Hard

Holidays are hard. And they sometimes sneak up on us. We don't expect them to be hard. We look forward to them. We plan for them. We decorate. We make a side dish. We look forward to time with family. The holiday arrives. We are excited to see family and friends, eat good food, and engage in the festivities. We enjoy the day.

And yet there is something there, an underlying nagging, a twinge of pain. All day, we work to push it aside, but it remains. We celebrate. We participate in the day. We love the conversation, the laughs, the fun. Yet at the end of the day, when all is done, we just want to cry. The underlying nagging, that twinge of pain takes over and the tears flow. And we think, "where is this coming from?" We think, "this day was wonderful and we had such a beautiful time...how could we feel so lonely and sad?"

But as a good friend reminded me today, those feelings were really always there; they are a part of grief. And that's okay. It's okay to be sad and to hurt and to cry.

But how do we respond to these feelings? Do we act out in anger? Do we become impatient with others? Do we allow bitterness to take hold? Do we resent others who have what we desire and in turn isolate ourselves from them?....Or do we look to Christ, the Incarnate God? Do we see His hand in all these things? Do we reflect on the true meaning of the holiday we are celebrating?

So on this day, the day after Thanksgiving, I will choose to give thanks to God in every circumstance. Are there still tears? Yes! But in the sadness, I'm reminded there can also be true joy and thankfulness. For our joy is only in Him. He is the true reason for the gratitude found deep in our hearts.

Happy Thanksgiving!

One more thing...

I found the following excerpt on a blog called The Carry Camp. It briefly explains well the feelings that come with infertility on a holiday, so I wanted to share. Hope it's helpful!

Be sensitive on holidays: Mother’s Day hurts. Christmas finds us wishing we had a little one to watch unwrap gifts. Thanksgiving brings about those feelings of, “I thought for sure we’d have an announcement to make by this year,” birthdays remind us that another year has passed without a baby, and on it goes. Please be extra sensitive and aware on holidays. We desperately want to enjoy family time and have fun celebrating, but sometimes our emotions get the best of us. You can show you care by giving us extra grace. A pat on the back, an extra long hug, or just some kind words go a long way. Holidays aren’t necessarily the best time to ask if we’re okay because we don’t really want to dissolve into a puddle of tears in front of the whole family. But they are a good time to schedule that coffee date.

~Paige

The Benefits of Childlessness: Money

This post is part of an on-going series on the Blessings of Childlessness. For an introduction to the series, click here. So far we've looked at Marriage and Ministry as areas of God's blessings to childless couples. The third and final area I want to consider is Money.

Paige and I entered into our marriage relationship with nothing. Errr—scratch that. We had debt. I guess debt is something.

We learned many important lessons about money and financial stewardship early in our married life. Unfortunately, like many young couples, we had to learn some of those lessons the hard way—through job difficulties, credit card balances, car payments, etc. Still we are no experts in money matters, but God has taught us through the difficult experiences and He’s surrounded us with a multitude of wise counselors (Proverbs 11:14, 15:22).

Since early in our marriage, God has blessed us both with stable, long-standing employment. God has seen fit—according to His good and perfect will—to bless Paige and I with jobs that not only pay the bills, but are enjoyable and personally fulfilling. In our positions at work, as we've sought to labor heartily as for the Lord and not for men, we have both received financial blessings from God through promotions and new opportunities over the years. Through the means of regular, rewarding employment, God has provided for us financially. We acknowledge that and give Him all the praise. And as an obedient response to the Lord's generosity toward us, we are called to be good stewards of what we've been given. Furthermore, I believe stewardship falls into these categories which I will unpack below: Wise investments, good & proper uses, generosity to the local church, and generosity to others.

Wise Investment: Minimizing Debt & Investing Long-term

(Full disclosure: We are not 100% debt-free. It's a goal we hope to someday realize, but it is not a present reality.)

From what I hear, children are expensive little blessings. Not having children actually deletes a number of line items from the expense sheet of our household budget. And so we recognize as a benefit of childlessness the ability to use the money that other families may spend on baby furniture, clothes, accessories, food, diapers, etc. to pay down debt and invest in the future.

Are we financially independent? No. But we are comfortable and content. We have been able to pay cash for both of our [used] cars, some major expenses (a new computer, tablet, backyard landscaping, etc.), and some extended vacations. A couple of years ago we were able to build a beautiful new home that is quite large for our current family size. And we were able to purchase this home without having to sell our previous home. In many ways, it's our dream home and we plan to be here for many years. We see it as a long-term investment. Already, we have been able to use the home God has given us to show hospitality to our church family, our unsaved neighbors, and currently to Paige's brother who is living with us while he goes to college.

In making big, important, money-related decisions like those listed above, we try to answer three basic questions:

1.) Is this a good and proper use?

2.) Is this a potential investment? (In other words, will this pay for itself or generate future income?)

3.) Can we do this without a loan or any other form of indebtedness?

If the answer to #1 is no, than obviously we shouldn't do it. If the answer to #2 is yes, then we will most likely move forward; if the answer is no, then we may or may not move froward, depending on what it is. (For instance, while it may be a good and proper use, it's difficult for a vacation to pay for itself. But we will not go into debt to take a vacation; that's what a savings fund is for!) If the answer to #3 is no, then we will most likely steer clear. (One of the only exceptions we've allowed for this rule is the purchase of real estate.)

I recognize that this is all very basic and many families with children do similar with their finances. But the reason I outline this here is because we believe that it's extremely important for us to be diligent with our money in these days without children so that if God one day fills our house with little, expensive blessings, we will be as equipped as we can be financially-speaking.

Quality Time

I once had a coworker who was older than me by about 10 years and married with 2 kids. More than a few times he sought to persuade me to invest in "things." He called them "toys"--a new truck, dirt bikes and ATVs, jet skis, even a boat. While I love the outdoors and wouldn't mind owning a few of those "toys," Paige and I long ago made a conscious decision as a family to spend our money on making memories and not filling our house with "toys." For us, quality time together has been one of married life's most precious rewards.

There are many ways a married couple can spend quality time together. While a couple can get creative and do dozens of different activities relatively inexpensively, the unfortunate reality is that many enjoyable activities cost a pretty penny. Travel, spontaneous date nights, fancy dinners, sporting events, concerts & plays--we've been able to enjoy many of these pleasures of life without having to worry too much about the cost...or finding a babysitter. And so we recognize that one of the benefits of childlessness for us is using our money to invest in spending time with each other. And for us, time with each other also includes time together in church on Sundays and investing in the church's ministry.

Generosity to the Local Church

As I mentioned in the last post, I think that investing in the ministry of the local church is essential for healthy Christian living.

In his book, What Is A Healthy Church Member?, Thabiti Anyabwile explains that, for one, a healthy church member is a committed church member. And one of the ways a committed church member shows his commitment is by financially supporting the work of the local church ministry. Pastor Anyabwile writes, "He should follow the example of the Macedonians, who committed to a financial strategy that was sacrificial, generous, increasing over time, and fueled by faith in God despite present circumstances (2 Cor. 8-9)." Indeed, financial generosity to Christ's church should be of utmost importance for the believer.

Generosity to Others

Finally, not having children of our own has given us greater freedom to bless others. This has taken a variety of forms at different times throughout our marriage. Sometimes it might be donating to a friends' children's educational expenses; or maybe it's supporting a cause that's important to us; or sometimes it's just helping a fellow Christian in need.

I can think of one widow friend of ours who has exemplified this kind of unassuming generosity toward others for many years. She is extremely financially responsible, but she is also quite open-handed and helpful in times of need. She and others like her have been examples to us of what Paul quotes Jesus as saying in Acts 20:35, "It is more blessed to give than receive."

While we prayerfully wait to receive God's blessing of children--should that be His will for us--childless couples like us do well to remember that there is great joy in cheerful, open-handed giving.

~David

Sweet Comfort

2 Corinthians 1:3-7-Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Oh what comfort when fellow believers comfort us with the comfort they have received from God! I have been overwhelmed with this comfort. It is so beautifully displayed within our own church body week after week at Grace Covenant Church. For not a week goes by without a word of encouragement, a prayer, a hug, a card, a text, or an email from a dear one in Christ to encourage me. From lunch dates to hiking adventures, I am humbled by the love of Christ that shines through others.

Even more than that, my dear sisters in Christ are willing to be completely vulnerable and truly mourn with me when I need them most. How freeing to let go and cry with others who meet me where I am, who are willing to share in my pain and heartbreak, who understand, who have been there, who truly feel what I feel and walk with me through deep waters all while pointing me to Christ and the hope we have in Him. What peace and rest this brings to my restless, lonely, and hopeless-feeling heart!

There's something special about the body of Christ and specifically Grace Covenant! What a glimpse of heaven.

~Paige

The Benefits of Childlessness: Ministry

This post is part of an on-going series on the Blessings of Childlessness. For an introduction to the series, click here. 

Having already considered Marriage, the second overarching area of our childless lives where Paige and I have experienced the benefits of being without children is the area of Ministry.

All Christians are called to be a part of a local assembly of Christians and to serve the needs of those within the church (Romans 12:4-12, Hebrews 10:23-25). But as the Apostle Paul reminds us, the church is like a body made up of various parts (1 Cor. 12:12-30). Each part of the body plays a different role, and all body parts function to serve the good of the whole body. The point is this: Each body part must do its part to serve the whole body. For us, we experience a freedom to obey the call to serve the local church and our neighbors in a way that couples with children may not as easily experience.

Focus in Worship, Freedom to Serve

I was recently speaking with a close friend of mine who is married with children. This friend and his wife are committed church members. By "committed church members," I mean that they are there at the church whenever the doors are open. If there's a church function, they are usually there. If there's a church retreat, they are usually there. If there's a fellow church member in need, they are usually there. And they do all these things with children.

In my experience over my years in church (translated: my entire life) and based on my current observations, they are the exception, not the rule.

In our family we realize the opportunity we have at this time in our lives to serve the body of Christ even more easily than those who have children. While children are a blessing—not just to parents, but to a local church—they require great expenditures of time and energy. The time and energy required to parent young children can obviously inhibit a church member's ability to serve the local church. (Again, this is no moral judgment against the parent with children, nor an excuse for parents to shirk their responsibilities to be good church members; it is simply an observation of reality.)

We see parents with either one or multiple children struggling to make it to church services. Once there, we see parents struggling to focus on participating in worship, struggling to listen to the Word preached, struggling to participate in God's ordinary means of grace. If these parents simply struggle to make it to the stated meetings of the local church and focus during worship, of course they struggle to serve before, during, and after the Sunday services.

Of course this is only a natural struggle, especially for parents of young children. But being currently without children, Paige and I currently have no such inhibition in our lives. Therefore, we experience a greater sense of freedom to serve the Lord by serving the Lord's people and to focus on worshiping Him in Lord's Day gatherings. In fact, one way we’ve been able to do this from time to time is to help some of the couples who have young children by sitting with them and helping them focus on the message. (As a unique byproduct of this service to our friends, our friends teach us what parenting looks like so that should God someday answer our prayers for children, we will have observed and learned lessons from others.)

Sometimes, though, the freedom to serve for a childless couple requires a quick response and the sacrifice of small comforts; like sleep, for instance.

Not long ago, some good friends experienced a traumatizing event when they had to take their 2 year old son to the hospital for emergency surgery. It was almost 1:00 AM when my phone rang. Their 4 year old who was with them at the hospital needed to go home and go to sleep, but both parents needed to stay at the hospital.

At a moment's notice, I was able to get up and go and take care of their older son. The result was a tremendous relief and blessing to our friends, even beyond what I could have expected.

Truly, a father with young children could do the same if his phone rang at 1 in the morning, provided his wife was home with the kids. But I consciously recognize the freedom God has given Paige and I at this time in our lives without children to be able to get up and serve a brother or sister without the slightest hesitation.

Divided Interests

I think we see this principle at work in the Bible too. The Apostle Paul writes about the difference between the interests of a single person and a married person: "I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided." (1 Corinthians 7:32-24a)

We see here that the single man is concerned primarily with his own welfare (and ideally, interest in the things of God); the husband, on the other hand, is concerned with not only with his own welfare, but also the welfare of his wife. Paul says that the married man's interests, thus, are divided in more ways than the unmarried man's.

I think the same logic applies to those with children. A parent has different responsibilities than a non-parent. A husband who is also a father has more to give account for than the childless husband. I appreciate the way that Pastor John MacArthur comments on 1 Corinthians 7:

All marriages have difficulty, hardship, sacrifice because you have two people who are human, who are fallen and they're pressed so tightly together.

Then they have children, and you know what happens? More little sinners and you crush them into the mix. ...[W]hen you press all these sinners into the same environment there is an immense complexity. I think of that as a father. I not only have to deal with sin and temptation in my own life, but I have to shepherd my wife and all my children, and now all my little sinning grandchildren. And I'm telling you, when they're all together, parents, children and all the sinners in one place at one time, it is a ministerial monstrosity. You can just about ask anybody who is married if they've ever had trouble, and they will...if they're honest...tell you of course, it's part of married life.

So while marriage carries with it greater complexity, stress, and hardship than singleness, parenting carries even greater difficulty than marriage by itself. And while we look forward to tackling the impending challenges of parenting someday if God wills, we recognize the relative ease and freedom of childless married life right now. We are be grateful for this time in our lives to minister to each other and to others outside our home.

Instead of using this "lesser division of interests" for the childless married couple as an excuse for lesser ministry, I think the opposite is required. Less division of interests equals more freedom equals more ministry to others. Paul's point is that all Christians need to be devoted in their service to the Lord, no matter the chapter of life in which they find themselves. We all should be investing ourselves in the Kingdom of Christ.

And two practical ways we can invest in the kingdom are through financial means and through our relationships with others.

Investing in the Kingdom Financially

I once heard someone refer to my wife and I as “DINK’s”—Double Income, No Kids. The moniker wasn’t something I was familiar with, but I can’t deny it’s validity.

Both of us were raised in families where both our parents worked for the majority of our upbringing. Both our dads were pastors (and still are, by God’s grace!), and since our dads didn’t earn hefty paychecks, our moms both worked to support the family with extra income. But neither of our families were well off. We were fine, as far as we could tell, but we were never the kids with the newest, coolest toys or shoes or clothes, etc.

But even with a smaller household income than our friends' families, our parents taught and modeled for each of us the importance of giving to the Lord financially. So when we got married, it was normative for both of us to want to give at least 10% (if not more) of what we earned back to the Lord. This was a practice when we committed ourselves to when we began our marriage, even when we were barely paying the bills and had almost nothing to give to the Lord. But we have been so encouraged by the Lord in the ways that He has been faithful to us as we've sought to be faithful to Him. There was more than one time early in our marriage where we were at a loss for how we would pay our next bill. But we remained committed to glorifying God with the little that we had. And more than once God has surprised us by His generosity through unexpected financial blessings. Those blessings from God have served to fan the flames of our desire to honor Him with the first fruits of our wealth.

I'll discuss the importance of money and giving back to the Lord in the next post, but for now I want to leave you with this principle: Whether you are a childless family or not, whether you earn $10k, $50k, or $100k+ a year, make investing in the local church a priority in your life, and God will be honored.

Investing in the Kingdom Relationally

I’ll end with this unique blessing of childlessness because it may be the most important: Relational investment.

In John Piper’s book, Momentary Marriage (which I don't wholly recommend due to Piper’s errant views on divorce and remarriage, among other small differences), I appreciate how Piper emphasizes the opportunity for disciple-making through the vehicle of marriage. Piper places this thought within the context of procreation, and he encourages married couples to think of starting a family in more than just physical terms. He points couples to consider not just the importance of biological childbearing, but the the importance of spiritual childbearing as well. Piper writes, "So I conclude that among Christians, mothering and fathering by procreation is natural and good and even glorious when Christ is in it. But it is not absolute. Aiming to bring spiritual children into being is absolute. Marriage is for making children. Yes. But not absolutely. Absolutely marriage is for making children followers of Jesus."

So discipleship should be the primary aim when raising children. And for those of us who don’t have children, discipling others should still be an aim in our lives. In fact, one of the opportunities I believe God has given me in this time of childlessness is the opportunity to spend time with others, evangelizing and discipling them. I look at Titus 2 and I see the shoulder-to-shoulder, one-another living promoted within the context of the church family unit. You have the older and younger of both sexes encouraged to set and follow the example of Christ-like living, but all of this necessitates a relational dimension of church life. For us as a childless couple, this other-mindedness is not only required by God and good for the church, but it's healthy for our sanctification too.

~David

Letting Go - The New Me

I'm learning it's okay to cry. I hate crying in front of people. As long as I can remember, I have not liked crying in front of others. I don't like feeling vulnerable or weak. I want to appear strong and capable even if I'm breaking on the inside.

But I'm learning it's okay to cry. In fact, I may even be turning into a Cry-er. I cry when I see a sappy commercial. I cry when I pray. I cry during church. I cry reading Scripture. I cry listening to music. I cry with friends. I cry alone.

I'm learning it's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be "having a hard time." It's okay to hurt. Slowly, I'm learning.

And through this learning process, I'm finding a greater dependence on God. He will carry every burden, heal every hurt, and mend the broken heart. He brings us to the end of ourselves so that we learn to trust in Him completely. "He is infinite in wisdom, perfect in love, and He can be trusted with our lives."

-Paige

(Quote from Jerry Bridges, Trusting God Even When Life Hurts)

Rejoicing & Mourning

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." This quote begins the story of one of my favorite novels, A Tale of Two Cities. The author, Charles Dickens, uses unique phrasing and a steady rhythm to contrast opposing forces. He suggests that the best and the worst stand equally matched in their struggle. The two, parallel ideas hold equal weight.

Two days ago, the announcement came that a baby was on the way for the Giarrizzo family! This baby will be the first grandchild welcomed into our immediate family and there was much rejoicing.

However, for David and I, not only was there rejoicing, but a deep, indescribable pain, that would become a season of mourning. Why? Simply because we were not the ones to make this coveted announcement.  We felt the weight of two opposing forces, equally matched: rejoicing and mourning. We so wanted rejoicing to have the victory over mourning. But for us, it did not.

We have longed for the day to make an announcement of our own, to have the first grandbaby, to bring the inexpressible joy to our families that we were now seeing, to experience the gift of children. But today, this gift is not ours. This gift is theirs. And it hurts.

The pain of infertility rears it's ugly head, bringing a flood of old emotions that we've been trying to keep at bay and new emotions we never knew existed. To be completely honest, it feels like someone near and dear to us died. This death that we feel is experienced month after month with every negative pregnancy test. But for some reason, when others, especially those closest to us, experience new life, in the form of a positive pregnancy test… it magnifies our own death.

This magnified death has brought with it a deep depression, a desire to isolate from the world, to crawl in a hole and die ourselves. We question God's goodness, His love for us, His plan. We ask, "Why them?" and "Why not us?" We question our position with God. Maybe we aren't truly one of His children? Maybe we've committed sin far too great that has caused God to withhold the same blessings from us that He so freely gives others? This death is hard to explain and even harder for others to understand, but it is so real. We know this is just the beginning of the reality… for the positive pregnancy test will soon bring a growing belly that will then bring a new baby into our world.

And we are rejoicing! We experience much joy for this miracle of life, to be an aunt and uncle, to welcome a baby into the family. We praise God for this gift, for His goodness in the lives of our family members. We truly rejoice with others who are expecting!

The ugly truth and reality though is that we have to fight to be truly happy for others…some days I'm not happy at all and selfishness takes over. It's not pretty and it doesn't look good. Paul says, "I beat my body…." And some days, that's exactly what it takes.

Rejoicing and mourning, like the best and worst of times in Dickens' novel, continue to stand equally matched in their struggle, holding equal weight in our lives. The Bible says to "Rejoice with those who rejoice!" and "Mourn with those who mourn." And we are learning that we can do can both, not always independently of one another, but simultaneously.

~ Paige