Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

The fact that life is hard was not a surprise to us when we entered adulthood.

Our parents—always honest, always loving—prepared us early in life for the difficult times ahead. Just as a conscientious mother dresses her son in a warm jacket, hat, and boots before letting him go out and play in the snow, so our parents prepared us for the dark, frigid days that we would face in adulthood. After fastening our feet with trust in a loving and sovereign God, our parents capped our heads with a biblical worldview, wrapped us in prayers, and sent us into the cold world outside.

Almost a decade-and-a-half later, a full 10-plus years in the world of grown-up life, Paige and I find ourselves continually grateful for the ways our parents prepared us for the bitter days of life's winters.

"Trust in the Lord," they would say with a smile.
"God is good," they would encourage. 

"It builds character," they would remind.

But the best thing our parents ever told us was that we were sinners in need of a Savior. 

By showing us Christ—in both Gospel words and their examples of Christlike-living—they gave us the greatest gift a parent could ever give their child. They gave us the Words of Life. 

God saved both Paige and I through our parents' ministry to us in the home—through their prayers, their tears, and their words of Truth. They told us that life wouldn't be a walk in the park, and they were right. But they best prepared us for that reality by introducing us to Jesus Whose yoke is easy and Whose burden is light. 

And by looking to Jesus through eyes of faith, given to us undeserving sinners by a God of abundant grace, we recognize that our suffering in this world is nothing compared to Christ's suffering on our behalf at the cross of Calvary. Because He suffered for us, our suffering is "light and momentary," as Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:17, and it is preparing us for a glorious eternity with our Savior.     

So we thank the Lord for giving us parents who prepared us for the difficult days of life. And most of all, we thank God for giving us Jesus Christ, our eternal Hope.

~David

Holidays Are Hard

Holidays are hard. And they sometimes sneak up on us. We don't expect them to be hard. We look forward to them. We plan for them. We decorate. We make a side dish. We look forward to time with family. The holiday arrives. We are excited to see family and friends, eat good food, and engage in the festivities. We enjoy the day.

And yet there is something there, an underlying nagging, a twinge of pain. All day, we work to push it aside, but it remains. We celebrate. We participate in the day. We love the conversation, the laughs, the fun. Yet at the end of the day, when all is done, we just want to cry. The underlying nagging, that twinge of pain takes over and the tears flow. And we think, "where is this coming from?" We think, "this day was wonderful and we had such a beautiful time...how could we feel so lonely and sad?"

But as a good friend reminded me today, those feelings were really always there; they are a part of grief. And that's okay. It's okay to be sad and to hurt and to cry.

But how do we respond to these feelings? Do we act out in anger? Do we become impatient with others? Do we allow bitterness to take hold? Do we resent others who have what we desire and in turn isolate ourselves from them?....Or do we look to Christ, the Incarnate God? Do we see His hand in all these things? Do we reflect on the true meaning of the holiday we are celebrating?

So on this day, the day after Thanksgiving, I will choose to give thanks to God in every circumstance. Are there still tears? Yes! But in the sadness, I'm reminded there can also be true joy and thankfulness. For our joy is only in Him. He is the true reason for the gratitude found deep in our hearts.

Happy Thanksgiving!

One more thing...

I found the following excerpt on a blog called The Carry Camp. It briefly explains well the feelings that come with infertility on a holiday, so I wanted to share. Hope it's helpful!

Be sensitive on holidays: Mother’s Day hurts. Christmas finds us wishing we had a little one to watch unwrap gifts. Thanksgiving brings about those feelings of, “I thought for sure we’d have an announcement to make by this year,” birthdays remind us that another year has passed without a baby, and on it goes. Please be extra sensitive and aware on holidays. We desperately want to enjoy family time and have fun celebrating, but sometimes our emotions get the best of us. You can show you care by giving us extra grace. A pat on the back, an extra long hug, or just some kind words go a long way. Holidays aren’t necessarily the best time to ask if we’re okay because we don’t really want to dissolve into a puddle of tears in front of the whole family. But they are a good time to schedule that coffee date.

~Paige

The Benefits of Childlessness: Money

This post is part of an on-going series on the Blessings of Childlessness. For an introduction to the series, click here. So far we've looked at Marriage and Ministry as areas of God's blessings to childless couples. The third and final area I want to consider is Money.

Paige and I entered into our marriage relationship with nothing. Errr—scratch that. We had debt. I guess debt is something.

We learned many important lessons about money and financial stewardship early in our married life. Unfortunately, like many young couples, we had to learn some of those lessons the hard way—through job difficulties, credit card balances, car payments, etc. Still we are no experts in money matters, but God has taught us through the difficult experiences and He’s surrounded us with a multitude of wise counselors (Proverbs 11:14, 15:22).

Since early in our marriage, God has blessed us both with stable, long-standing employment. God has seen fit—according to His good and perfect will—to bless Paige and I with jobs that not only pay the bills, but are enjoyable and personally fulfilling. In our positions at work, as we've sought to labor heartily as for the Lord and not for men, we have both received financial blessings from God through promotions and new opportunities over the years. Through the means of regular, rewarding employment, God has provided for us financially. We acknowledge that and give Him all the praise. And as an obedient response to the Lord's generosity toward us, we are called to be good stewards of what we've been given. Furthermore, I believe stewardship falls into these categories which I will unpack below: Wise investments, good & proper uses, generosity to the local church, and generosity to others.

Wise Investment: Minimizing Debt & Investing Long-term

(Full disclosure: We are not 100% debt-free. It's a goal we hope to someday realize, but it is not a present reality.)

From what I hear, children are expensive little blessings. Not having children actually deletes a number of line items from the expense sheet of our household budget. And so we recognize as a benefit of childlessness the ability to use the money that other families may spend on baby furniture, clothes, accessories, food, diapers, etc. to pay down debt and invest in the future.

Are we financially independent? No. But we are comfortable and content. We have been able to pay cash for both of our [used] cars, some major expenses (a new computer, tablet, backyard landscaping, etc.), and some extended vacations. A couple of years ago we were able to build a beautiful new home that is quite large for our current family size. And we were able to purchase this home without having to sell our previous home. In many ways, it's our dream home and we plan to be here for many years. We see it as a long-term investment. Already, we have been able to use the home God has given us to show hospitality to our church family, our unsaved neighbors, and currently to Paige's brother who is living with us while he goes to college.

In making big, important, money-related decisions like those listed above, we try to answer three basic questions:

1.) Is this a good and proper use?

2.) Is this a potential investment? (In other words, will this pay for itself or generate future income?)

3.) Can we do this without a loan or any other form of indebtedness?

If the answer to #1 is no, than obviously we shouldn't do it. If the answer to #2 is yes, then we will most likely move forward; if the answer is no, then we may or may not move froward, depending on what it is. (For instance, while it may be a good and proper use, it's difficult for a vacation to pay for itself. But we will not go into debt to take a vacation; that's what a savings fund is for!) If the answer to #3 is no, then we will most likely steer clear. (One of the only exceptions we've allowed for this rule is the purchase of real estate.)

I recognize that this is all very basic and many families with children do similar with their finances. But the reason I outline this here is because we believe that it's extremely important for us to be diligent with our money in these days without children so that if God one day fills our house with little, expensive blessings, we will be as equipped as we can be financially-speaking.

Quality Time

I once had a coworker who was older than me by about 10 years and married with 2 kids. More than a few times he sought to persuade me to invest in "things." He called them "toys"--a new truck, dirt bikes and ATVs, jet skis, even a boat. While I love the outdoors and wouldn't mind owning a few of those "toys," Paige and I long ago made a conscious decision as a family to spend our money on making memories and not filling our house with "toys." For us, quality time together has been one of married life's most precious rewards.

There are many ways a married couple can spend quality time together. While a couple can get creative and do dozens of different activities relatively inexpensively, the unfortunate reality is that many enjoyable activities cost a pretty penny. Travel, spontaneous date nights, fancy dinners, sporting events, concerts & plays--we've been able to enjoy many of these pleasures of life without having to worry too much about the cost...or finding a babysitter. And so we recognize that one of the benefits of childlessness for us is using our money to invest in spending time with each other. And for us, time with each other also includes time together in church on Sundays and investing in the church's ministry.

Generosity to the Local Church

As I mentioned in the last post, I think that investing in the ministry of the local church is essential for healthy Christian living.

In his book, What Is A Healthy Church Member?, Thabiti Anyabwile explains that, for one, a healthy church member is a committed church member. And one of the ways a committed church member shows his commitment is by financially supporting the work of the local church ministry. Pastor Anyabwile writes, "He should follow the example of the Macedonians, who committed to a financial strategy that was sacrificial, generous, increasing over time, and fueled by faith in God despite present circumstances (2 Cor. 8-9)." Indeed, financial generosity to Christ's church should be of utmost importance for the believer.

Generosity to Others

Finally, not having children of our own has given us greater freedom to bless others. This has taken a variety of forms at different times throughout our marriage. Sometimes it might be donating to a friends' children's educational expenses; or maybe it's supporting a cause that's important to us; or sometimes it's just helping a fellow Christian in need.

I can think of one widow friend of ours who has exemplified this kind of unassuming generosity toward others for many years. She is extremely financially responsible, but she is also quite open-handed and helpful in times of need. She and others like her have been examples to us of what Paul quotes Jesus as saying in Acts 20:35, "It is more blessed to give than receive."

While we prayerfully wait to receive God's blessing of children--should that be His will for us--childless couples like us do well to remember that there is great joy in cheerful, open-handed giving.

~David

Sweet Comfort

2 Corinthians 1:3-7-Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Oh what comfort when fellow believers comfort us with the comfort they have received from God! I have been overwhelmed with this comfort. It is so beautifully displayed within our own church body week after week at Grace Covenant Church. For not a week goes by without a word of encouragement, a prayer, a hug, a card, a text, or an email from a dear one in Christ to encourage me. From lunch dates to hiking adventures, I am humbled by the love of Christ that shines through others.

Even more than that, my dear sisters in Christ are willing to be completely vulnerable and truly mourn with me when I need them most. How freeing to let go and cry with others who meet me where I am, who are willing to share in my pain and heartbreak, who understand, who have been there, who truly feel what I feel and walk with me through deep waters all while pointing me to Christ and the hope we have in Him. What peace and rest this brings to my restless, lonely, and hopeless-feeling heart!

There's something special about the body of Christ and specifically Grace Covenant! What a glimpse of heaven.

~Paige

The Benefits of Childlessness: Ministry

This post is part of an on-going series on the Blessings of Childlessness. For an introduction to the series, click here. 

Having already considered Marriage, the second overarching area of our childless lives where Paige and I have experienced the benefits of being without children is the area of Ministry.

All Christians are called to be a part of a local assembly of Christians and to serve the needs of those within the church (Romans 12:4-12, Hebrews 10:23-25). But as the Apostle Paul reminds us, the church is like a body made up of various parts (1 Cor. 12:12-30). Each part of the body plays a different role, and all body parts function to serve the good of the whole body. The point is this: Each body part must do its part to serve the whole body. For us, we experience a freedom to obey the call to serve the local church and our neighbors in a way that couples with children may not as easily experience.

Focus in Worship, Freedom to Serve

I was recently speaking with a close friend of mine who is married with children. This friend and his wife are committed church members. By "committed church members," I mean that they are there at the church whenever the doors are open. If there's a church function, they are usually there. If there's a church retreat, they are usually there. If there's a fellow church member in need, they are usually there. And they do all these things with children.

In my experience over my years in church (translated: my entire life) and based on my current observations, they are the exception, not the rule.

In our family we realize the opportunity we have at this time in our lives to serve the body of Christ even more easily than those who have children. While children are a blessing—not just to parents, but to a local church—they require great expenditures of time and energy. The time and energy required to parent young children can obviously inhibit a church member's ability to serve the local church. (Again, this is no moral judgment against the parent with children, nor an excuse for parents to shirk their responsibilities to be good church members; it is simply an observation of reality.)

We see parents with either one or multiple children struggling to make it to church services. Once there, we see parents struggling to focus on participating in worship, struggling to listen to the Word preached, struggling to participate in God's ordinary means of grace. If these parents simply struggle to make it to the stated meetings of the local church and focus during worship, of course they struggle to serve before, during, and after the Sunday services.

Of course this is only a natural struggle, especially for parents of young children. But being currently without children, Paige and I currently have no such inhibition in our lives. Therefore, we experience a greater sense of freedom to serve the Lord by serving the Lord's people and to focus on worshiping Him in Lord's Day gatherings. In fact, one way we’ve been able to do this from time to time is to help some of the couples who have young children by sitting with them and helping them focus on the message. (As a unique byproduct of this service to our friends, our friends teach us what parenting looks like so that should God someday answer our prayers for children, we will have observed and learned lessons from others.)

Sometimes, though, the freedom to serve for a childless couple requires a quick response and the sacrifice of small comforts; like sleep, for instance.

Not long ago, some good friends experienced a traumatizing event when they had to take their 2 year old son to the hospital for emergency surgery. It was almost 1:00 AM when my phone rang. Their 4 year old who was with them at the hospital needed to go home and go to sleep, but both parents needed to stay at the hospital.

At a moment's notice, I was able to get up and go and take care of their older son. The result was a tremendous relief and blessing to our friends, even beyond what I could have expected.

Truly, a father with young children could do the same if his phone rang at 1 in the morning, provided his wife was home with the kids. But I consciously recognize the freedom God has given Paige and I at this time in our lives without children to be able to get up and serve a brother or sister without the slightest hesitation.

Divided Interests

I think we see this principle at work in the Bible too. The Apostle Paul writes about the difference between the interests of a single person and a married person: "I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided." (1 Corinthians 7:32-24a)

We see here that the single man is concerned primarily with his own welfare (and ideally, interest in the things of God); the husband, on the other hand, is concerned with not only with his own welfare, but also the welfare of his wife. Paul says that the married man's interests, thus, are divided in more ways than the unmarried man's.

I think the same logic applies to those with children. A parent has different responsibilities than a non-parent. A husband who is also a father has more to give account for than the childless husband. I appreciate the way that Pastor John MacArthur comments on 1 Corinthians 7:

All marriages have difficulty, hardship, sacrifice because you have two people who are human, who are fallen and they're pressed so tightly together.

Then they have children, and you know what happens? More little sinners and you crush them into the mix. ...[W]hen you press all these sinners into the same environment there is an immense complexity. I think of that as a father. I not only have to deal with sin and temptation in my own life, but I have to shepherd my wife and all my children, and now all my little sinning grandchildren. And I'm telling you, when they're all together, parents, children and all the sinners in one place at one time, it is a ministerial monstrosity. You can just about ask anybody who is married if they've ever had trouble, and they will...if they're honest...tell you of course, it's part of married life.

So while marriage carries with it greater complexity, stress, and hardship than singleness, parenting carries even greater difficulty than marriage by itself. And while we look forward to tackling the impending challenges of parenting someday if God wills, we recognize the relative ease and freedom of childless married life right now. We are be grateful for this time in our lives to minister to each other and to others outside our home.

Instead of using this "lesser division of interests" for the childless married couple as an excuse for lesser ministry, I think the opposite is required. Less division of interests equals more freedom equals more ministry to others. Paul's point is that all Christians need to be devoted in their service to the Lord, no matter the chapter of life in which they find themselves. We all should be investing ourselves in the Kingdom of Christ.

And two practical ways we can invest in the kingdom are through financial means and through our relationships with others.

Investing in the Kingdom Financially

I once heard someone refer to my wife and I as “DINK’s”—Double Income, No Kids. The moniker wasn’t something I was familiar with, but I can’t deny it’s validity.

Both of us were raised in families where both our parents worked for the majority of our upbringing. Both our dads were pastors (and still are, by God’s grace!), and since our dads didn’t earn hefty paychecks, our moms both worked to support the family with extra income. But neither of our families were well off. We were fine, as far as we could tell, but we were never the kids with the newest, coolest toys or shoes or clothes, etc.

But even with a smaller household income than our friends' families, our parents taught and modeled for each of us the importance of giving to the Lord financially. So when we got married, it was normative for both of us to want to give at least 10% (if not more) of what we earned back to the Lord. This was a practice when we committed ourselves to when we began our marriage, even when we were barely paying the bills and had almost nothing to give to the Lord. But we have been so encouraged by the Lord in the ways that He has been faithful to us as we've sought to be faithful to Him. There was more than one time early in our marriage where we were at a loss for how we would pay our next bill. But we remained committed to glorifying God with the little that we had. And more than once God has surprised us by His generosity through unexpected financial blessings. Those blessings from God have served to fan the flames of our desire to honor Him with the first fruits of our wealth.

I'll discuss the importance of money and giving back to the Lord in the next post, but for now I want to leave you with this principle: Whether you are a childless family or not, whether you earn $10k, $50k, or $100k+ a year, make investing in the local church a priority in your life, and God will be honored.

Investing in the Kingdom Relationally

I’ll end with this unique blessing of childlessness because it may be the most important: Relational investment.

In John Piper’s book, Momentary Marriage (which I don't wholly recommend due to Piper’s errant views on divorce and remarriage, among other small differences), I appreciate how Piper emphasizes the opportunity for disciple-making through the vehicle of marriage. Piper places this thought within the context of procreation, and he encourages married couples to think of starting a family in more than just physical terms. He points couples to consider not just the importance of biological childbearing, but the the importance of spiritual childbearing as well. Piper writes, "So I conclude that among Christians, mothering and fathering by procreation is natural and good and even glorious when Christ is in it. But it is not absolute. Aiming to bring spiritual children into being is absolute. Marriage is for making children. Yes. But not absolutely. Absolutely marriage is for making children followers of Jesus."

So discipleship should be the primary aim when raising children. And for those of us who don’t have children, discipling others should still be an aim in our lives. In fact, one of the opportunities I believe God has given me in this time of childlessness is the opportunity to spend time with others, evangelizing and discipling them. I look at Titus 2 and I see the shoulder-to-shoulder, one-another living promoted within the context of the church family unit. You have the older and younger of both sexes encouraged to set and follow the example of Christ-like living, but all of this necessitates a relational dimension of church life. For us as a childless couple, this other-mindedness is not only required by God and good for the church, but it's healthy for our sanctification too.

~David

Letting Go - The New Me

I'm learning it's okay to cry. I hate crying in front of people. As long as I can remember, I have not liked crying in front of others. I don't like feeling vulnerable or weak. I want to appear strong and capable even if I'm breaking on the inside.

But I'm learning it's okay to cry. In fact, I may even be turning into a Cry-er. I cry when I see a sappy commercial. I cry when I pray. I cry during church. I cry reading Scripture. I cry listening to music. I cry with friends. I cry alone.

I'm learning it's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be "having a hard time." It's okay to hurt. Slowly, I'm learning.

And through this learning process, I'm finding a greater dependence on God. He will carry every burden, heal every hurt, and mend the broken heart. He brings us to the end of ourselves so that we learn to trust in Him completely. "He is infinite in wisdom, perfect in love, and He can be trusted with our lives."

-Paige

(Quote from Jerry Bridges, Trusting God Even When Life Hurts)

Rejoicing & Mourning

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." This quote begins the story of one of my favorite novels, A Tale of Two Cities. The author, Charles Dickens, uses unique phrasing and a steady rhythm to contrast opposing forces. He suggests that the best and the worst stand equally matched in their struggle. The two, parallel ideas hold equal weight.

Two days ago, the announcement came that a baby was on the way for the Giarrizzo family! This baby will be the first grandchild welcomed into our immediate family and there was much rejoicing.

However, for David and I, not only was there rejoicing, but a deep, indescribable pain, that would become a season of mourning. Why? Simply because we were not the ones to make this coveted announcement.  We felt the weight of two opposing forces, equally matched: rejoicing and mourning. We so wanted rejoicing to have the victory over mourning. But for us, it did not.

We have longed for the day to make an announcement of our own, to have the first grandbaby, to bring the inexpressible joy to our families that we were now seeing, to experience the gift of children. But today, this gift is not ours. This gift is theirs. And it hurts.

The pain of infertility rears it's ugly head, bringing a flood of old emotions that we've been trying to keep at bay and new emotions we never knew existed. To be completely honest, it feels like someone near and dear to us died. This death that we feel is experienced month after month with every negative pregnancy test. But for some reason, when others, especially those closest to us, experience new life, in the form of a positive pregnancy test… it magnifies our own death.

This magnified death has brought with it a deep depression, a desire to isolate from the world, to crawl in a hole and die ourselves. We question God's goodness, His love for us, His plan. We ask, "Why them?" and "Why not us?" We question our position with God. Maybe we aren't truly one of His children? Maybe we've committed sin far too great that has caused God to withhold the same blessings from us that He so freely gives others? This death is hard to explain and even harder for others to understand, but it is so real. We know this is just the beginning of the reality… for the positive pregnancy test will soon bring a growing belly that will then bring a new baby into our world.

And we are rejoicing! We experience much joy for this miracle of life, to be an aunt and uncle, to welcome a baby into the family. We praise God for this gift, for His goodness in the lives of our family members. We truly rejoice with others who are expecting!

The ugly truth and reality though is that we have to fight to be truly happy for others…some days I'm not happy at all and selfishness takes over. It's not pretty and it doesn't look good. Paul says, "I beat my body…." And some days, that's exactly what it takes.

Rejoicing and mourning, like the best and worst of times in Dickens' novel, continue to stand equally matched in their struggle, holding equal weight in our lives. The Bible says to "Rejoice with those who rejoice!" and "Mourn with those who mourn." And we are learning that we can do can both, not always independently of one another, but simultaneously.

~ Paige

The Benefits of Childlessness: Marriage

This post is part of an on-going series on the Blessings of Childlessness. For an introduction to the series, click here. So far I have identified three areas of life where childless couples experience unique benefits from God: in their marriages, in their ministry, and in their money. In this post we will consider the first: Marriage.

The Covenant of Companionship
The first area of life where my wife and I have experienced the benefits of childlessness is in our marriage. Even as we hit 10 years this summer since our wedding day, in many ways we are still newlyweds. And as I’ve written before, we are already a family: just the two of us. Together we comprise one family unit in the eyes of God. Isn’t that how the history of mankind began—with the matrimony of husband and wife officiated by the Creator God Himself?

"Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” …And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." Genesis 2:18, 22-24

Notice that God gave Adam a wife. Just a wife—no children; no pregnancy. Just a woman formed by God specifically for man. If ever there was a match made in heaven, it was here. This marriage was perfect. And it should be noted that the coupling of Adam and Eve by God began simply as a union of male and female for the primary purpose of companionship.

As a commentary on Scripture’s view of marriage, both the Westminster and the 1689 Baptist Confessions of Faith (chapters 24 & 25, respectively) appropriately describe the purpose of marriage as first, "for the mutual help of husband and wife.” Dr. Sam Waldron writes, “The governing purpose of marriage is to provide a man and a woman one another’s companionship.” Look again at Genesis 2:18, “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

I love that verbiage: “fit for him.” God designed for the wife to be fit for man, and him for her. There’s the physical fit—by God’s design—that creates the “one flesh” in the consecration of marriage. There’s the emotional fit—by God’s design—that creates the mutuality and companionship of the marriage relationship. There’s the hierarchal fit—by God’s design—where the man, created first, leads the wife, who is his helper. And there’s the spiritual fit—by God’s design—that creates the faith-based, Christ-centered marriage. God made man a helper fit just for him, and that helper’s name is Woman.

Jay Adams, in his short but extremely helpful book, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage, comments on this text: “In other words, the reason for marriage is to solve the problem of loneliness. Companionship,” Adams states, “is the essence of marriage.”

When we look at the way God viewed the marriage relationship between Adam and Eve, we see His supreme pleasure with what He had created. It was “very good.” It was the first family unit. It was marriage.

The Foundation of Friendship
"This is my beloved and this is my friend…” Song of Songs 5:16

I remember reading Joshua Harris’ book, Boy Meets Girl, when I was in high school, and I really appreciated his emphasis on friendship preceding romance. That’s an extremely healthy approach for single people to take when considering a potential spouse. Friendship, fellowship, and then romance, as Harris encouraged.

I think that being without children has given us plenty of time to understand the importance of a marriage built on the solid foundation of friendship. Paige and I were married at 20 and 21, respectively. We were the first of all our friends from high school and college to get married. Before marriage, we were friends. Best friends. And by God's grace, we held onto that friendship as it blossomed into love, even as 1,200 miles separated us for three years leading up to our wedding day.

But here we’ve seen—not only experimentally, but through the pages of Scripture—that the primary purpose of marriage is companionship. I know that in some circles, that statement is hotly contested. But as for my wife and I, the truth of this primary purpose of God for marriage has actually proved quite comforting.

Paige and I and other childless married couples are as much a family in the eyes of God as married couples who have children. This may seem as a minor point to some, but it comes back to God’s primary purpose for marriage—companionship. Even now, as we wait for children, Paige and I are fulfilling God’s intended purpose for marriage. What comfort and delight we have found in this normal doctrinal truth!

I also think it’s worth noting here that, both theologically and practically-speaking, marriage takes priority over parenting. Here’s what I mean: God gave Adam a wife. Just a wife—no children; no pregnancy (though, of course with the physical potential and intended design for pregnancy). But Jay Adams again writes, “God did not put a parent and child into the garden. Adam and Eve were man and wife. That shows that the primary human relationship (and family relationship) is husband and wife.”

I’ve heard that this actually comes up quite often for those who do a lot of counseling. When a parent puts their child before their spouse, they are turning God’s intended purpose for marriage upside down. The marital relationship takes priority over any other family relationship. We don’t have the time to discuss all of the implications here, but please note both the primacy and permanency of the marriage relationship in contrast to the temporary relationship between a parent and child.

Investing in Each Other
"Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a fattened ox and hatred with it.” Proverbs 15:17

Spouses should take advantage of the simple moments in their marriage to grow deeper in love with one another. What does this look like? Well, investing in one another can take on a variety of forms.

First, note the essential ingredient of time. The good news is that childlessness in our marriage has given us plenty of distraction-less time to invest in one another. Time is a precious commodity to all. Quiet time, even more rare, especially for parents. Children, while a blessing, can also be a distraction to the marriage relationship. Cute little distractions, I’m sure, but distractions nonetheless. Within a childless marriage there exist many opportunities for a husband and wife to spend their time focusing on one another, loving the other as Christ has loved His bride, the Church. Those may be simple times, like a dinner of only herbs. But where there is that love between the husband and wife—best friends in the most meaningful of ways—who needs extravagance? Whether it’s across the table at a fancy restaurant or in the car on the way to the dentist or in bed just before you turn out the lights, husbands and wives need to take advantage of the time given to them to invest in each other.

As we were encouraged in premarital counseling over a decade ago, I want to pass along this encouragement to all married couples: make time for one another on a regular basis. I’m not just talking about sex here, though that could be part of it; but make time in your busy schedules to talk, listen, laugh, gaze into each other eyes—whatever it is that you enjoy doing together that brings you closer to one another as husband and wife. One easy way to do this is to plan a weekly date night. My parents continue to be great examples of this after 35 years of marriage. Whether it’s going out for a nice dinner or taking a scenic drive or just sitting by your pool at home—carve out time each week for each other. Make date night a priority in your marriage and schedule.

The second ingredient of investing in one another is meaningful conversation; speaking and listing. Now notice the words on both sides of the ‘and.’ Not only talking to your spouse, but listening to him or her is an essential part of marital investment. All married couples need to make the time to share with one another their thoughts, desires, and ideas; the fears, stresses, and concerns of life; their feelings of accomplishment and their feelings of failure; their areas of growth and areas of weakness. Good conversation is a mark of a healthy marriage. But it takes deliberate effort. This means ridding yourself of those things that distract from communication—phone, email, TV, house work, etc. Be physically present. Look into each other’s eyes. Engage with your mind. And then experience meaningful conversation.

The third and last ingredient that I’ll mention is sexual intimacy. After God had created Eve, He referred to them as “one flesh.” Jesus reiterated this notion in Matthew 19:6 and Mark 10:8. Throughout God’s Word, in fact, we see the celebration of sex within marriage. Consider Proverbs 5:18-19—"Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” Notice no mention of childbearing in this reference to marital intimacy. In his little book, The Intimate Marriage, R.C. Sproul points to the entire book of Song of Songs as evidence of God’s blessing upon sexual intimacy within marriage. Sproul says, “I believe it as a love song, one that celebrates the holy situation of sexual love and the sanctity of the physical aspects of marriage.”

And it’s not just the Old Testament that points to this physical aspect of marriage. Sproul continues to say later, “If we examine the New Testament closely, we will discover something else that has often been obscured. Sex is not only permitted in marriage, it is commanded.” And he then points his readers to the words of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, which state,

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self.”

So here Paul basically tells husbands and wives that their bodies belong to each other, and that regular sex is good because it prevents the temptation to sin.

And the Puritans, who often receive a bad rap on the subject of sexual intimacy, were actually strong advocates of sex within the confines of marriage. William Gouge referred to physical union as “one of the most proper and essential acts of marriage.” William Perkins defined marriage as “the lawful conjunction of the two married persons; that is, of one man and one woman into one flesh.” Alexander Niccholes theorized that in marriage “thou not only unitest unto thyself a friend and comfort for society, but also a companion for pleasure.” (HT: Thirsty Theologian)

This should all come as encouragement to married couples, especially those struggling with infertility. While procreation is an obvious purpose of sex, it’s not the only purpose. God intended sex to bring a couple pleasure not just offspring. So invest in one another sexually.

Flexibility for Fun
"So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad.” Ecclesiastes 8:15 NIV

Finally, when it comes to the focus on marriage as a benefit of childlessness, I can’t ignore the flexibility component. As I have stated (and will continue to reiterate), children are a blessing. But let’s be honest—they’re often inconvenient blessings. So while a childless couple waits for children, the flexibility of their schedules is freer than the more constrained schedules of their friends with children.

Most of our married friends have children, and we’ve seen many of these couples struggle to find time for date nights together. This is especially difficult for the married couple when grandparents and other family are out of state and trustworthy babysitters are hard to come by. We’ve observed the difficulties our parent-friends face when we’ve tried to plan group date nights or other events. Children often dictate the parents’ schedules and availability, while childless couples like us experience much less impediment and can make plans with little lead-time.

As an example (and confession), we don’t plan our weekly meals very far in advance. We keep a pantry and fridge stocked with enough of the basics, but we don’t need to plan ahead because we have the freedom and flexibility to make it up as we go depending on what we are feeling like that day. We don’t have specific meal times like our friends with kids. Will we someday if the Lord blesses us with children? Yes, that’s the plan. A consistent schedule is good and important for children to have (or so I hear). But if we want to grab sushi during happy hour on our way home from work or grab a late-night bite after a movie, we have the flexibility to do either with very little planning or forethought. Yes, we know that will likely disappear if God gives us children; but for now, we enjoy the flexibility our childless marriage as a unique benefit for us from God.

Summary
I don’t think anyone denies it: Marriage is tough. Martin Luther is quoted as once saying, “What a lot of trouble there is in marriage! Adam has made a mess of our nature. Think of all the squabbles Adam and Eve must have had in the course of their nine hundred years. Eve would say, 'You ate the apple,' and Adam would retort, 'You gave it to me.” And while we laugh, we know that truly, marriages have been like that ever since our first parents fell into sin. Marriage takes work—years of constant practice at being a biblical husband or wife. But second to our salvation in Christ, marriage has to be the best blessing, the greatest gift God has given us. And yes, that means even better than the gift of children.

So while you wait for God’s blessing of children, enjoy His greater blessing of marriage. Understand that companionship is the primary purpose of God for marriage. Consider your spouse your best friend. Take advantage of this “quiet time” together by investing in each other through time, conversation, and physical affection. And have fun to the glory of God!

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22

The Benefits of Childlessness: An Introduction

I know it's odd to put it that way: The "Benefits" of childlessness? So allow me to unpack this notion in a short series of posts. However, before we look at these so-called benefits, I understand the sensitive nature of this topic for people who have children and those who desire children, thus I feel the need to outline my purpose in writing, add a few customary disclaimers, and make one important clarification.

Purpose
The purpose of this series is simply to comfort the afflicted and encourage the discouraged. I write from a position of personal experience with the affliction of infertility in order to help others find hope and contentment in their similar suffering.

Disclaimer #1
First, I do not mean to imply that childlessness or infertility is a blessing. While God can and will use trials in His children's lives to instruct, mature, and sanctify them—and thereby bless them—infertility is a very real affliction that can greatly discourage couples desirous of children. The scope of this series, however, is to focus on the first half of that last sentence: God blesses His loved ones even in the difficult chapters of life (Romans 8:28).

Disclaimer #2
Second, in discussing the “benefits” of childlessness, I do not mean to assert a greater level of importance to being without children than to child-bearing and rearing. In no way do I intend to downplay or trivialize the true benefits of parenting. Each chapter of life possesses unique importance and some chapters of life contain benefits uncommon to other chapters. Just as the benefits of singleness do not negate, minimize, or replace the importance and benefits of marriage, so the benefits of childlessness do not negate, minimize, or replace the importance and benefits of parenting. In fact, my prayer is that any childless couple like us who earnestly desires the blessing of children will experience that blessing and the benefits that follow in that particular chapter of life.

Disclaimer #3
Third, none of these benefits are exclusive to couples without children. I have observed many, many parents who enjoy the activities outlined in this series even with children under their roofs (though it may take more conscious effort and concerted energy for those couples to do so). The purpose of this post, however, is simply to observe some specific ways couples without children can find contentment in their suffering by ministering to others.

Clarification
Finally, this is in no way an argument for what has been termed “childfree living." There is an important distinction between childless and child-free. By childless, I refer to the couple who desires to have children but has not been blessed with them yet. Child-free, however, typically refers to the couple who has considered the possibility of children but has made a deliberate decision not to pursue parenthood. I believe there is a stark difference between these two types of couples in both their worldviews and heart motives. I will refrain from commenting here and now about the moral and truth elements of the worldview and attitude of a typical child-free ideology; but please recognize that there is in fact a fundamental difference between the worldviews and intentions of a childless couple and those of a child-free couple.

With those tedious but necessary thoughts out of the way, let me introduce the actual topic at hand, and I pray that as you follow along with me in this series, God will encourage wherever you are, no matter the providence.

Introduction
I completed my Master of Business Administration in May 2013. Throughout my studies I found that many assignments required me to compare and contrast different options in order to make a quality business decision. These activities and reports are known by different names: SWOT analysis; Pros-and-Cons list; Decision matrix; etc. These metrics enable one to evaluate present factors in order to make an informed judgment or decision.

At times, I have unintentionally applied a loose rubric of such analytical mechanisms to specific areas of my life. One such area of life is the family unit. Since my wife and I are in a specific chapter of life--married without children, or “childless”—I find myself evaluating our circumstances and looking for the positives, the opportunities the pros. You see, it takes little effort to see the downside of being married and desirous of children, but not able to conceive. So it's important and healthy for us to look at the "upside" of this time as well.

My aim in writing is to identify and emphasize the blessings of God even in our times of trial, so that we may "rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" (Romans 5:3-5). We are called to take hope and find contentment in our afflictions, knowing that whatever we suffer in this life is from the sovereign and loving hand of God and is meant to make us more like Christ Who suffered far worse than we ever will.

Correspondingly, I believe it is important to find ways to use life’s difficult days to serve the Lord and bless others. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). As I hope you’ll see, the list of “benefits” below is largely other-minded.

"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit,serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality." Romans 12:10-13

This is how the Apostle Paul instructs the local church body in its interactions with its various parts: Love. Honor. Serve. Rejoice. Wait. Pray. Give. These imperatives are not just for one specific demographic or category of people in the church. They are for all of us. However, just as Paul could say in 1 Corinthians 7 that it was good for him to be unmarried so that he could be unencumbered in his ministry to the Lord, I seek to extend the same logic of the Apostle to show the unique freedoms that childless couples enjoy in their ministry to the Lord.
 

The Benefits Outlined
In the next few posts, I plan to note at least three areas of life where my wife and I can personally speak to the benefits of childlessness. Each of these areas is a category like an umbrella, with many benefits beneath it. For the sake of simplicity, I will simply mention the three categories and add some details along the way.

The three general areas of life where childless couples can experience unique benefits are Marriage, Ministry, and Money. As I’ll seek to show, each of these slices of life naturally overlap with the others. In the next post, I will begin unpacking the specific benefits of marriage which childless couples enjoy beginning first with Marriage.

~David

It's Not Meaningless!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18- So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

"Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.

I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing! Don’t look to what is seen.

When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes a loved one out, don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory.

Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for."  - John Piper

-Paige

I'm Tired

I'm tired....
I'm tired of giving myself shots
I'm tired of progesterone suppositories
I'm tired of clomid and femara
I'm tired of internal ultrasounds
I'm tied of prenatal vitamins that seem to serve no purpose
I'm tired of prescriptions
I'm tired of following a "pregnancy" diet for half of every month only to find out I'm not pregnant
I'm tired of roller coaster emotions
I'm tired
I'm tired of no
I'm tired of paying for pointless medical bills
I'm tired of scheduled sex
I'm tired of counting cycle days
I'm tired of ovulation kits
I'm tired of pregnancy tests
I'm tired of painful periods
I'm tired of statistics
I'm tired of the unknown
I'm tired of the endless doctors visits
I'm tired
I'm tired of well intentioned advice
I'm tired of getting my hopes up
I'm tired of not getting my hopes up
I'm tired of smiling when I don't feel like it
I'm tired of not trusting in God
I'm tired of not being vulnerable
I'm tired of being vulnerable
I'm tired
I'm tired of wishing
I'm tired of hoping
I'm tired of waiting
I'm tired of God's silence...where is He?
I'm so tired

~Paige

Where You At?

We are frequently asked, "So where are you in your journey? Beginning, middle, end? What's the latest?"

So the long and short of it, we are somewhere in the middle. We are on our 5th IUI. We've had every test you can imagine and nothing can be found as to answer our question, "Why can't we get pregnant?" But God. We know His ways are perfect and for some reason He wants us to go through this trial, and to wait on Him.

We love our doctor and highly recommend him to others! He's personable, friendly, caring, thoughtful and the list goes on. 

So right now, we'll continue down this path until God shows us otherwise. 

May He be glorified through all of this!

~ Paige

Hello Lord...I Can't Hear You!

Not long ago, I discovered this song, "Hello Lord," by Sara Groves. It describes my thoughts and feelings perfectly. I want to ask God if He can speak up because I can’t hear Him! I want to know the next step, what to do, where to go from here. But God says to wait, as though He’s whispering. Sometimes I feel like I can’t hear Him and I wonder where He is. But God says wait. And I’m desperate to do the right thing and trust Him fully. But God says to wait. 

Listen to the song and enjoy! Here are the lyrics:

Hello Lord, it's me your child
I have a few things on my mind
Right now I'm faced with big decisions
And I'm wondering if you have a minute, cuz
Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up


I know that you tore the veil 
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.

I don't doubt your sovereignty
I doubt my own ability to
Hear what you're saying
And to do the right thing 
And I desperately want to do the right thing
But right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up

I know that you tore the veil 
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I just can't hear you.


And somewhere in the back of my mind
I think you are telling me to wait
And though patience has never been mine
Lord, I will wait to hear from you
Oh Lord, I'm waiting on you


Right now I don't hear so well
And I was wondering if you could speak up


I know that you tore the veil 
So I could sit with you in person
And hear what you're saying but
Right now, I think you're whispering



~ Paige

Deep Cries Out

Psalm 42:7, “Deep calleth unto deep, at the noise of thy water spouts: all thy waves, and they billows are gone over me.”

Psalm 69:2, “I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing. I am come into DEEP waters, where the floods overflow me.”

Deep cries out to deep. Afflictions call out to further afflictions. Under our deepest sorrows lie even deeper sorrows. The Psalmist states that his troubles follow one after another, the latter harder than the first. His soul, downcast and in turmoil. His troubles seem to overtake him. 

Infertility is a painful journey and month after month it seems that deep calls out to deep. Sorrow calls out to deeper sorrow. It becomes a difficult routine. Cycle day 1: Call the doctor. Cycle day 3: Internal Ultrasound. Cycle days 3-7: Take daily medicine. Cycle day 6: Give yourself a shot to stimulate your ovaries. Cycle day 10: Another internal ultrasound. Cycle day 11: Give yourself another shot to stimulate ovulation. Cycle day 12: IUI procedure. It feels like you’re at the doctor’s office every day. The hormones make you crazy, from crying to irritability to depression. The roller coaster ride is on again and you wonder when you will be able to get off, unlock the seatbelt, release the harness, and step off the ride. You await the results anxiously for the 2 weeks before you are able to take the pregnancy test. You pray. You read the Word. You seek God’s face. You cry. You try not to think about. And then the day comes. The day to test. You dread it and look forward to it at the same time. The three minutes awaiting the results seem like an eternity. And once again, you read the results, NOT PREGNANT. You’ve seen it a million times, or at least it seems like it. You cry. You ask God why.  You wipe your tears. You move on. You get ready for the day. You go to work or church or the grocery store. And you start the cycle all over again. 

Deep cries out to deep. But alas, the deepest sorrow and the deepest trouble calls out to an even greater depth. Underneath the depths, even at the bottom of all depths. This depth is God’s mercy. John Bunyan says, 

“Although the deeps, or depths of calamity into which the godly may fall, may be as deep as Hell, and methinks they should be no deeper: yet this is the comfort, and for the comfort of them, of the godly that are thus a sinking: The mercy of God for them lies deeper…God’s arms are long and strong, and can reach to the bottom, and also beyond, of all misery and distress, that Christians are subject to in this life. Indeed, mercy seems to be asleep, when we are sinking, for then we are as if all things were careless of us, but it is but a lion couchant, it will awake in time for our help…as a lion in his den, so will God, at the fittest season, arise for the help and deliverance of a sinking people.”

Deep cries out to deep. But God’s mercy is even deeper. His arm reaches to the farthest depth, to meet us in our time of need. 

(Excerpts from John Bunyan’s book All Loves Excelling)

~ Paige

December Prayers from Dado

Psalm 4:1, “Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: you have given me relief when I was in distress; have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.”

Psalm 145:18, “The Lord is near to all them that call on him, to all that call on Him for truth.”

Colossians 4:2, “Continue steadfastly in prayer.”

December 2014. Dad typed up a barrage of prayers and sent them our way throughout month. We needed them! I read and re-read them. Sometimes I don’t know what to pray and I use a few of these prayers from dad. I have also found respite reading prayers from The Valley of Vision. Even when you don’t know what to pray, use the prayers of others and Scripture. Lay your requests before the Lord. 

Just a Few….

December 10

Good Morning Lord,

We thank you for your mercy that are new every morning. I pray the future will be with David today and his new endeavor with his new job, that you'll give him wisdom and direction may he do well because you are in his decisions every step of the way. Bewith Paige as she deals with the leaders that are under her give her wisdom in her daily task and may they both be pleasing to you as a witness and proclaim you Lord of all. Protect them today on the highways. May they find favor with You and with the people they deal with today. 

In Jesus name Amen.

December 12

Father, bless my daughter and son in law today and empower them for the duties and acts of which you have called them to do.Speak to them clearly and do not allow them to pick up burdens that are not theirs.  

I pray that You would make them a good receiver of your grace and blessings through others, and put people in their path who are called to bless them without expectations.  

Call their church to prayer on their behalf concerning having children.

Give them a clear vision for their lives, serving You and give them an easy yolk as they answer Your call to Your body.  

December 19

Father, I pray that you would make this a special Advent season for David & Paige. 

I pray that they would sense Your daily Advent into their lives and that You would find a welcome place in their hearts moment by moment. Abide with them and take them to a more intimate place with You this season.  

Give them time with You; in the midst of the busyness, call them aside and minister to your son and daughter.  Warm them with Your voice; Your words of mercy and love.  

Give them the joy of relating to their loved ones through your eyes and ears.  

Give the joy of Christmas to David and Paige, I pray, in the name of Jesus, Amen.

All of us are waiting on something, often wondering if God has forgotten us. 

In your waiting, let the birth of Christ encourage you. This very minute He’s working for His glory and for our good. 

Though circumstances say otherwise, God is going to come through, on schedule, fulfilling His long-appointed plans for us. 

Don’t give up before the time is right.

Take hope in the manger and know that you are loved and prized by the God who stepped down from heaven and arrived at the perfect time for you.

But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law.

"And because we are His children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, “Abba, Father.” (Galatians 4:4, 6 NLT)"

December 23

Father, 

As we endeavor to give expression to your Advent in our own hearts - which is waiting on You, we are aware of the enemy and his schemes to try and divide us, he tries to fill us with pride and tries to get us to act on temptation.

We ask you to give us discernment and wisdom in many of the decisions we need to make over the next few weeks and months.  We wait and anticipate Your Plans for our lives, and we pray You defeat Satan by Your Great Power.

Protect us, Lead us, guide us, as we await the Miracles You are waiting to bless us with. Work in us and our extended family, heal our wounds, heal our bodies, open wombs, heal hips, and help us to get into the real meaning of Christmas which is... Worship to You, not giving, not food, not fellowship, not family, true Christmas is worship to You.  All other aspects are great, but it's about worship.

Help us to resist playing hero or martyr, except when it comes to You.

Remove baggage that may be keeping us from worshiping You

In the midst of circumstances, may we STILL WORSHIP YOU...

We give ourselves as an offering to You, please forgive us of our trespasses, renew our minds and our spirits today, protect us in our travels, and receive our worship today as a sacrifice of praise.

For thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory - Forever

In Jesus Name, Amen, Amen, Amen